Nice words...

In life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it..You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good...So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't..Life is too short to be anything but happy..Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living!


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New...

Can't believe it is New year's eve tomorrow. 2012 making way for 2013...

I am thankful for so many things this year. We got my Mom's little house finished and she's happy here. We went through court cases and like always God was there to help us! I'm grateful for my family and even more so that we are together, I thank God for them every day.

Yes, there were tears and heartache and hurt. I lost a friend to cancer, Brian was a wonderful man. My dearly beloved Oupa passed away, and I still miss him every day. Ash's closed down, that dream shattered in a million pieces. I lost very close friends, and that I miss a lot too...

Now for 2013. The year where I will be job hunting like crazy, finding something that I will love doing. Saving for that overseas trip, and moving forward. To better things...

I pray that every single person I know, and don't know, to have an awesome new year. To forgive each other, to love each other and to hold on to the ones you love. Life is too short for all the crap.


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Truth...

" The truth, about the truth, is that it will always remain the truth, even if it's only known to and uphold by one soul."


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Aai...

Ek kan nie eers onthou wanneer laas ek deurgeslaap het nie! Dis asof my RA 'n hoogte in geskiet het, en asof die pyn net erger geword het oor nag!

Dan is daar die nagmerries...aai!

Ek dink nie ek het net een van my beste vriende verloor nie, maar twee...


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Christmas eve...

For the first time in years, it is all quiet in our house on this Christmas eve...

I miss the excitement, merriness, laughter and giggles. The heaps of dirty dishes and the mounds of wrapping paper and funny little gifts.

I miss the Christmas hats and crackers, and the stupid funny jokes hidden in those crackers.

I miss the people that's not part of this year's Christmas...Our little boy who is with his father this year, my Oupa that is celebrating this day with Jesus, my friend that is far away, and D that's just gone without reason.

My Mom went to bed early, and I gave my sad sister a sleeping pill, so she can hopefully find a night's rest, so, here I am sitting on the stoep, with a smoke and a cup of coffee, hoping and praying that she will feel better in the morning.

Thank You Jesus for another year, thank You for being born and dying for my sins! Thank You for every person I love so dearly!

May everyone have a blessed Christmas!


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Why?

'Why' and 'I wish' is turning over and over in my mind.

Not that it's helping anyway...

Just giving myself a headache!


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....

It's nearly Christmas....

Everywhere I look there are tinsel, trees and fake snow.

What is on my Christmas wish list?

Wish I could tell you, but I don't have the guts to even blog it!


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When driving my sister's Dodge...

Do yourself a favour and listen to this in a car with sound, ja?


Songwriters: CARMEN, ERIC
(eric carmen)

A lot of empty words that I've already heard
Ain't gonna work tonight
Don't wanna talk about it anymore
'cause that ain't gonna make things right
So now you're back again, you say it's not too late
To give it one more try
Well, I don't want to hear your lies
No, I don't want to hear your lies no more

I've got to find a way, I know, to let you go
'cause it hurts too much
You say you'll never leave
And then, you're gone again
Oh, it hurts too much
It hurts too much, my love
I've heard it all before
I've got to tell you no, no, no
It hurts too much

You know I tried so hard
I spend so many nights
Waitin' for the phone to ring
But it's over now and I'm afraid
I don't feel much of anything
You say you want my love
You've played around enough
But now I can't forget
Well, honey there's nothing left
I ain't got nothin' left at all

I've got to find a way, I know, to let you go
'cause it hurts too much
You say you'll never leave
And then, you're gone again
Oh, it hurts too much
It hurts too much, my love
I've heard it all before
I've got to tell you no, no, no
It hurts too much

Just when I thought I'd gotten over you
I hear you knockin' at my door
After everything you've put me through, you know
I just can't take it anymore

You say you want my love
You've played around enough
But now I can't forget
Well, honey there's nothing left
I ain't got nothin' left at all

I've got to find a
To find a way, I know, to let you go
'cause it hurts too much
You say you'll never leave
And then, you're gone again
Oh, it hurts too much
It hurts too much, my love
I've heard it all before
I've got to tell you no, no, no
It hurts too much
Oh, it hurts too much
It hurts too much
Oh, it hurts too much
Listen when I tell you it hurts
Oh, it hurts too much
Oh mama it hurts
Oh, you hurt me so much


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Stupid bed or not...

I think I need a new bed? You know the feeling, when you're tired, and as soon as you get in bed, you can't find a position you're comfortable in? I'm beginning to think its my flippen bed!

Or maybe just my mind that can't seem to stop wandering?


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God se kaalvoet meisiekind...

GOD SE KAALVOET MEISIEKIND

Soms wonder mens waar het dit verkeerd geloop . . .
Ek het haar op 'n dag gesoek
Skielik besef sy's weg . . .
Maar hoe en waar en wanneer ? Ek het dan belowe ek sal haar nooit vergeet . . .
Nooit teleurstel . . .
Ek't haar belowe ek sal No Matter what . .
Haar altyd onthou . . .
Maar " Life Happens "
En mens raak besig . . .
Met jou lewe . . .
Met jou man . . .
Met jou kids . . .
Jou werk . . .
en dan op 'n dag
Besef jy sy's weg . . .
Hoe het dit dan gebeur ?
Dan kom ons hemelse Dad en hy vat jou . . .
Hy wys jou waar sy is . . .
My kind kyk in die spiëel . . .
Kyk mooi . . .
Sy is daar . . .
Jy moet net soek . . .
Sy is nogsteeds daar binne jou . . .
Jou VROUWEES . . .
Meisiekind van God ons is so besig om van die lewe 'n tuiste te wil maak en om die kids groot te maak en om supervrou te probeer wees . . .
Dat ons vergeet het om "VROU" te wees . . .
wat God besluit het ons moet wees . . .
Die sierraad van Sy skepping . . .
As jy as vrou voel jy is nie meer so mooi /sexy of vroulik soos altyd nie . . .
As jy dink jou man sien jou nie meer raak nie . . .
Daar is hoop . . .
Jy kan weer die Girl wees waarop jou man verlief geraak het . . .
Jou man sal weer drome droom oor jou . . .
Jy sal sy Darling en weer Koningin van sy lewe wees . . .
As jy single is : Girla maak jou gereed want God is nou besig om die mooiste liefdes storie vir jou te skryf . . .
En hoe weet ek al die dinge . . .
Want ek het die pad geloop . . .
En op 'n dag het God my gevat, omgedop en my weer myself, my beste vriendin gemaak . . .
Wat vol komplimente is en nie net vol selfafbreking en selfkastydings nie . . Ek is weer na al die jare myself . . . .
Die vrou wie God besluit het ek moet en gaan wees . . .
Ek is God se kaalvoet meisiekind.....


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Books, books and books...

I've been reading like a crazy person these past couple of weeks. I forgot how good it feels!

When you open a book, and you laugh and cry and get upset with the characters.

Then there's the parts where you are reminded of your own memories and hope and dreams...


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Interviews...

Who would have thought that I will be doing this again?

I have my first official job interview today. I didn't do any prep for this, because can one really plan?

My black pants and high heels was hunted down, and I'm as ready as I will ever be....



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Some things missing...

Tonight, is one of 'those' for me.

I'm so very tired, and I hope sleep can shake this 'missing' feeling.

It's all about my needs and wants and heart's desires and dreams...stupid huh?



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I enjoyed that...

Ok, yes, I did it.

I read the Fifty shades of Grey trilogy. And I loved it. It's funny how when the 'crazy' starts with something and I'm not the least bit interested in it, and then a few months down the line, I'm reading or watching whatever the hype is about.

Well, I enjoyed reading that!

Now I will have to get my butt in gear to start my orders for candlewicking! When I would much rather go book shopping. I miss my bookshop, I miss the smell and feel of it.

And the memories! There's so many :(



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Winnie the pooh saying...

Pigglet: Winnie, how do you spell: Love?
Winnie: Piglet, you don't spell LOVE, you feel it in your heart...

Who said we can't learn from kids's stories? Aai, so pretty :(


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Long time since I've been....

It's been ages since I blogged, and I miss it. Can't believe how much.

I'm busy all the time these days, it's a non-stop rush and a lot of things happening at the same time. I feel disorganized for the first time in years. There's so many things on my to-do list! If all goes well, I will hopefully start getting my life back on track again next week. Sjoe...

We are camping, and it's pouring with rain, not a lot of fun, but at least I'm not at home, ja? Hopefully we will wake up to sunny skies tomorrow.

I've been to visit my BFF at her new home in Cape town. It was good to see her again. It's a good feeling to know she is doing ok there, you know?

I'm reading the Fifty Shades trilogy. Wow! Never thought I will enjoy the books, but here I am, hooked. Can't stop reading them. But, I'm freezing, going to bed now..

Still miss you D....



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Tired, but not done yet...

It's been a crazy week, I'm tired and my body is aching so bad, I don't want to move. But at least the books and shelves are nearly set up, here at home. The shop is clean, and yes, now empty.

Ash's is officially closed. If you ask me how I feel? I don't know, but at this stage, relief, is the biggest feeling. I miss my customers/friends. That's the hard part! Tannie Nan, Mary, Leonie, Val and Vic and Tony. And so many more...but I need to move on.

Now it's time to make some decisions in my life. Some changes. I need to think of my future. I must start from scratch.

I'm officially bankrupt. Just great...

Thank You God that I still have a LOT to be thankful for!


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Things...

Aai man!

The pain is back in such a bad way, I can't even explain it! It's all over, and it hurts soo bad again tonight. That means no sleep...

Then there is the confusion!


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A lot of negative...

I actually really dislike using my blog to write about the not-so-nice-things, but, ja, I need to talk about it (sort of)?

Things just went crazy all of a sudden. Not that 'crazy' is the right word, just, that it went 'heart sore'.

My Oupa passed away, and I miss him. It's been nearly five months since he's gone, and there is not a single day that goes by, that I don't think about him. Death is so final, but we all know that. My BMF just 'vanished', and I miss him soo very much. My BFF moved to another city, very far away, and now I'm in the process of being bankrupt/insolvent/blacklisted or whatever you can call it.

I failed this. My dream. The one thing I wanted to do all my life.

And it hurts, ALL of it! Not just failing at my dream...


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So many questions...

Funny how life is...

As soon as you think your hopes and dreams are gonna be heard, it takes a nosedive and you feel as if the train is going off its rail.

Aahh there are a few things, very important things I hope and pray for constantly, as I'm sure millions of other people do, but sometimes I'm scared and nervous that its not in God's plan for me.

I know He will do what's right and what's supposed to be, yes, I know.

God? Please? You know my heart...

Amen!


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Love...

Joyce Meyer ministries wrote:

It isn't always easy to love, but God demands it. Love the unlovable in your life today.

Read 1 Cor 13:7


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Eina...

I'm very tired, really. I'm dreaming of a beach holiday, to lay in the sun, cool off in the sea and to just be lazy! I can do that for at least two weeks. Wouldn't it be nice?

But I don't have that luxury - yet...

I've made up my mind to go back to the way I was. Physically. I'm getting rid of this long hair tomorrow, and I can't wait.

They say a change is as good as a holiday, so I'm doing just that!

And?
I miss D...


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In time...

It's amazing how a wild stranger walks into your life and 'switch' on these feelings. Even though I didn't know it was locked up inside me.

His name is David, a born and bred french man. A child of God. You can see it radiate out of him, you know? We start chatting about this and that, about waiting for God to send you your true 'partner', helping others etc. And then just before he leaves, he said, that the Holy Spirit showed him how badly I need healing, healing from past things, and I need to leave them behind, before God can give me the good things He has planned for me, the things I'm passing by. He takes my hands and prays for me, and walks out.

Just like that.

There I stare after this man with tears running down my face, because I just can't help it.

Now I need to figure out what it is I need to let go of. I have a good idea, but there are a few in the line-up. Its a wish-you-well-as-i-wave-it-goodbye type of scenario...

They say time heals. I don't think time does.


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'No Name Brand'...

Great, just great. Up and awake since 3am again. Tried coffee, watching TV and doing the dishes.

It seems like sleep is not my best friend at the moment. Ja?

I hope and pray that God will answer my prayers. There is so much I miss and hope for....you know?


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Very true words...

As you all know, at Ash's we buy and sell second hand books too. I receive books on a daily basis, and today someone dropped off their Bryce Courtenay hardbacks. For this first time I had a good look at his books and three of the 'backs' caught my eye...

"In the heartwood of the sacred persimmon tree is ebony, the hardest, most beautiful of all woods. This is a symbol of life, a heartwood that will outlast everything man can make, a core within that, come what may, cannot be broken and represents our inner strength and divine spirit"
- Persimmon Tree

"I'm my experience, friendship is the companion that walks beside love and is often the more enduring of the two. Friendship of the deep and abiding kind, unshakable and unconditional"
- Brother Fish

"Look up, up...up there, at the midnight sky. At the game of chance within the firmament Saturn's rings, mooned Jupiter, planet Mars. All yours if you hoist ambition's sails and set a galactic course, then cast a wide-flung net to fish for the brightest stars in all creation"
- Fishing for Stars

Wanted to share that with whoever is reading this blog....


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Ek mis...

Ek hou nou al 'n hele paar weke hierdie gevoelens binne my, en hoe ek dit kan regmaak of dit net als kan los, en 'n manier kan kry om aan te beweeg. Daai hoofstuk dalk net toe te maak?

Want dit maak my so ongelukkig en hartseer.

Ons deel absoluut niks meer nie, praat dalk een keer 'n week met mekaar, baklei net, en die negatiewe dinge gaan maar net aan.

Ek gesels meer met my kliente oor dinge as met haar. Dit voel asof hulle meer belang stel.

Ja, miskien is ek maar redelik kinderagtig en 'jannie-jammer-gat, maar ek weet nie meer nie. Verstaan?

Maar? ('N groot maar), 90% van hierdie hele affere is my skuld.

Nou het sy 'n special mens in haar lewe. Iemand wat haar gelukkig maak, en saam met haar nuwe blyplek, gaan sy woes gelukkig wees, ek gun haar dit, regtig ek doen.

Ok, dis al wat ek wou se...

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And...

Its just flippen awesome, when you're still on antibiotics, for pain and inflammation and the pain is back. How does that work?

Its so sore, and constant, you know?

I so wish that the doctor was not on retirement, the only one that seemed to know how to fix this.


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Today...

Today is the day that the Lord made! I'm thankful this morning for so many things in my life! Yes, I have a few heart's desires, and I believe God will give it to me if I keep on praying for them.

I've been up since 4am. My body feels better for the first time in weeks, its nice to be able to do things so early in the day. I'm on my way to the shop, where I believe I will make some money today, to cover that outstanding rent! So hold thumbs?

I'm going to rescue the frog in our pool now, and then the day can begin. Maybe I can kiss him and he'll turn into a prince? Ja, well...

D, I miss you - a lot!


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Hoekom?

Ek kan alweer nie slaap nie! Ek word so kwaad vir myself, want ek kan ook nie meer die pyn vat nie!!

En nog 'n ding?

Ek is klaar probeer, ek gaan nie meer probeer nie. Ek het, maar nou is ek klaar. Dit maak net meer en meer seer en dis nie reg nie.



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Today...

I watched this movie today, called 'A little bit of heaven'. Cried my eyes out like usual. It just showed me again how short life is, you know? We must take all the love we have in our hearts, minds and bodies, and give it to the people in our lives, the ones we care for. The ones we want to share our lives with for as long as possible.

It feels like the meds are working. Can't believe that stupid pain is back. If I feel like this tomorrow, I will have to go see the doctor, and believe me, I really don't want to!

Ash's is doing so well the past few weeks. Maybe, just maybe I can walk away with no arrears on the rent. But, I'm patiently waiting for the way forward, where God wants me to go. I left this decision in His capable hands, and I'm working hard until I get an answer.

My sister is so unhappy again, hurt again. If that man and woman can just stop with their 'brainwashing'! I wish they can just stop for five minutes to think what they are doing to a little boy and his Mom! God, please help? This is not right, please?


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Realised...

I just realised what my friend told me on the weekend...

It took me two full days to try and figure it out, now I did, after replaying the whole thing over and over.

You're right! I'm selfish, obsessed with myself, childish and so much more, sorry I hurt you, it was never my intention. You were always there for me, and helped me through difficult times. Wish I could have done the same for you...




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Eerste dinge eerste...

EERSTE DINGE EERSTE

Wat gaan jy doen met die nuwe dag? God laat die keuse oor aan jou, Hy kyk na jou en Hy wag.

Dit is die dag wat die Here gemaak het, laat ons daaroor juig en bly wees. Psalm 118:24

GEDAGTE: Sorg dat jou prioriteite vandag en elke dag reg en gesond bly. Stel eerste dinge altyd eerste.

GEBED: God, skenk my die kalmte van gees om te aanvaar wat ek nie kan verander nie; die moed om dit te verander wat kan, en die wysheid om die verskil te ken. Leer my om een dag op n slag te lewe. Oortuig my dat swaarkry dikwels tot diepe vrede lei, en dat U genade n geskenk is en nie n loon nie. Help my om die wereld te aanvaar soos dit is, nie soos ek dit graag sou wou he nie. Versterk my met die hoop dat U eendag alles sal regmaak. Amen


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Liefde...

Ek het gelees dat 'liefde' 'n werkwoord is. Dat dit eintlik nie net 'n gevoel is nie...

Dis seker hoekom soveel huwelike en vriendskappe opbreek deesdae, want mense wil nie die 'liefde' werk meer doen nie. Daars nie tyd vir mense nie, mense deel nie meer wat in hul diepste binneste worstel en kook nie. Dat jy voel asof jy pla as jy graag met daardie persoon/e wil praat, dinge wil deel. Dat 'n mens die pot mis sit as jy dink jy ken iemand, en dan voel dit asof jou 'liefde' werk net vir niks was nie.

Ek dink deesdae baie aan oud word en dood gaan. Daar is absoluut niks wat 'n mens aan enig van die twee kan doen nie. Altwee hierdie dinge is so finaal. Dis seker ook waar die 'liefde' as werkwoord inkom. Wie gaan saam met jou hierdie pad, wat Jesus vir ons gegee het, stap? Dan is die antwoord seker die mense wat jou liefhet en liefde gee, en vir wie ek self sal probeer berge versit?

Dan is daar die lag en huil. Ek weet nie eintlik watter een van die twee ek 'voel' nie, maar ek is bang as ek gaan los trek met een van die twee, dat ek dit gaan doen sonder ophou, want dis soos 'n histerie wat binne-in my vassit. Trane maak niks reg nie, maar ek dink daai kant wen so net-net.

Ek wil nou nie he dat iemand my moet 'Jannie-Jammer-Gat' nie, maar ek is eintlik 'n vieslike persoon, weet jy? Dis maar net hoe ek dit sien. My 'liefde' as werkwoord is lank al opgedroog en ek dink 'the damage is done'. En eintlik het ek so vreeslik baie van altwee 'liefdes' binne-in my om te gee!

Here, help my asseblief met 'n bietjie reen op my uitgedroogte liefde en 'liefde'? Ek wil nie die mense vir wie ek lief het verloor omdat my 'liefde-werkwoord' so min is nie? Amen...

Die vraag sal altyd bly: Is dit te laat?


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True?

"For a short time I believed in 'happy ever afters', then I realized I've been stupid for a long time"


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Yes, well...

I can't believe the weekend is coming to a close again, not that I have weekends, so by the way. My weekends are normal working days, but I can't complain, because I chose this bookshop. At least a friend promised me a day off this week, can't wait for the break.

I've done thirteen baby blankets so far, and funny enough I still enjoy making them. What was a little hobby to pass time at the shop, became a small sideline for me to make some extra money. I'm working on three at the same time at the moment, and I realized its a bit much!

My sister's court case is coming up on Friday, and she is a nervous wreck, I wish there was something I could do to help her ease the worry? My heart tells me all will be perfect, we have a good God.

The 'long hair' battle is driving me nuts! Don't know if I will be able to see this through, but time will tell, I'm sure.

Spring arrived! Thank goodness for that. I'm not build for winter...

I miss D - yes I still do.

Have a good week everyone xxx





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Trust?

I saw and heard something this morning, that's not 'sitting' well with me. I've always trusted my gutt, and this time its none other!

Actually I hope I'm wrong, because this can really be unforgivable for me, even though I will forgive, and just make another clean break?

Trust? Well I hope I can do that...


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......

Ek is so frustreed en omgekrap en sommer net hartseer!!

Wat is die use om te blog? Huh?

Weet nie eintlik hoekom ek dit doen nie....


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Drome...

Ek is wakker van baie vroeg oggend af, kon net nie slaap nie, want al hierdie lelike drome hou my wakker. Ja, dis my lyf se pyn ook, maar ek het al 'n rukkie terug geleer om dit te beheer, en dat dit my nie beheer nie.

Ek is bang...bang om mense te verloor vir wie ek lief is. Dat dinge so erg raak dat hulle net 'weg' raak, vir altyd.

Dis nie regverdig nie, die lewe is nie regverdig nie.

Maar ek moet vashou, vasgryp aan my Hemelse Vader, en Hom smeek vir hulp.

Jesus, beskerm, behoed en bewaar ons almal asseblief? Dat alles asseblief sal regkom?


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Hoekom dan?

Is dit te veel gevra om net alles reg te wil he? Normaal te he?


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Baie baie waar :(

Ons almal is menslik en almal kry seer,

ons het almal ons lesse om uit die lewe te leer.

Ons almal wil graag vergifnis hê,

maar dis soms so moeilik net om jammer te sê.Ons almal het stories van trane en spyt,ons almal het verhale van liefde en verwyt.Niemand is perfek nie en almal is nie op die selfde manier mooi nie,maar onthou, die lekkerste appels is nie altyd rooi nie.

Vergewe en vergeet is soos bitter en soet,

die soet laat jou hart klop en die bitter vergiftig jou bloed.Om kwaad te bly maak niemand dood behalwe vir jou nie,dis nie die moeite werd om dinge teen mense te hou nie.Leer om te lewe en ander te laat leef,leer om na die goeie in die lewe te streef.

Daar is net een van jou, en net een kort kans,

om op die ritme van jou geluk in die lewe te dans.Verlos jouself en begin diep binne rond delf,maak stupid grappies en lag hardop vir jouself.

Daar is beter dinge as rykdom en geld,

al bly jy in 'n tentjie iewers in die veld.Dis jou eie keuse om te maak of breek,

kyk bietjie wat jy in jou binneste wegsteek.Tel op jou kop, hou jou trane vir 'n ander dag,dink terug aan goeie tye, en mis dit vir 'n slag.Dink aan al die dinge wat jy al behaal het,en buitendien is dit God wat jou lewe bepaal het.

Voel die verligting van vergifnis in jou are,

voel die speling van gevoel oor jou hart se snare.Lewe en laat leef, die res kan maar staak,want dis meer as asem haal, wat in jou lewe saakmaak....'n Mens lewe nie van brood en water alleen nie, en onthou altyd:God het jou nie verniet aan die wereld geleen nie!


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Baker Street Books...

Just been to this amazing book wholesaler!

Its an amazing experience to walk into a library filled with books from floor to roof! And I mean really filled!

So, I'm even more excited to move Ash's home, because now I can sell brand new books at much cheaper prices than even Exclusive, can...

Just loved that experience!


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Terug in die bed...

Is nou al wakker van 2:00 af, het my kas reggepak, handsak reggepak, en twee keer koffie gedrink. Nice, ne?

Nou-nou is dit werk toe vir my, maar ek kry net nie geslaap nie. Gisteraand was dit slegte drome en seer wat my wakker gehou het, en nou vanaand? Weet nie...


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Lanklaas...

Ek het regtig lank laas so seer gehad soos vanaand. Vir dit is ek baie dankbaar, al voel dit asof ek sekere dele van my lyf kan uitsny met 'n mes. Dan die stupidste van als is, dat ek nooit 'n pynpil het as dit so seer is nie. Flip..

Dis woes koud, na die sneeu/kapok wat ons gehad het. Dit was awesome om te kon sien dat sneeu nie soos reen val ni, maar so deurmekaar val. Maar nou al wat oorbly van dit is net die ysige koue.

Die bouery gaan goed aan. Die eerste muur is al so halfpad op. Sien nogal uit daarna om vir Ma te help intrek, en mooi maak. Dit sal ook beter wees dat sy naby aan ons is, en nie daar anderkant, alleen nie.

Ek hoor niks van D nie. Net mooi niks, en dis so hartseer. Ek mis hom regtig baie...

Ag wat, ek gaan nou slaap. More is 'n vakansiedag, so ek kan bietjie vroeer toemaak en kom asem skep by die huis...

Lekker slaap almal vir wie ek lief is...


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Cold, colder, coldest?

It's snowing... I don't think I've ever been this cold...

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Faith...

Faith is not hoping that God will, it's knowing He can.

That's something I should remember, yes?


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Wish upon a star...

Watching the Olympic games can make you proudly South African. Here is our country giving it their all, even though most of them are not even professional athletes, because they don't get sponsorship, or they can't afford to train like some countries. I'm not really a patriot, but it makes you feel some...

Things are still a bit chaos in my life. And I'm asking a lot of questions of - where it went wrong?

I'm sad really...and I wish things can go back to the way they were. But we live in the real world and that's not how it works.

My blog entries are surely not making a lot of sense...?

I miss
I hope
I wish
I want
And yes, I pray, because only God can help.


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Hoe wonderlik?

Dis eenvoudig wonderlik hoe Jesus mense op jou pad stuur en jou tot stilstand pluk, en dinge binne-in jou laat 'weet' dis 'mooi' en 'goed'.

Hierdie mens, het nou net weer vir my gewys hoe maklik dit is, met hierdie eenvoudige woorde: Nooi Hom in, spreek dit op jouself, jou winkel, jou familie...

Van vandag af is my motto: 'In Jesus Naam'

Alles gaan uitwerk!


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Alone time...

Sitting outside, soaking up the winter sun, trying to decide if I must read some of Rapture (the last book in the Fallen series) or if I must just sit here with my eyes closed, catching some vitamin D.

Today, being alone at home, is really not nice at all...

I miss D and I miss S.

Know what? It's warmer in bed, a nap will do me good - I think.

Oor en uit.


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Olympics..

Just watched the opening ceremony, pretty nicely done, London...

A bit long though, hopefully I don't oversleep..


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Yes?...

"Sometimes a good cry in the shower, is all you need to get rid of some of the pain built up inside you..."

Now I just need a shower.

'Life' is hurting me a lot today. Really bad..

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Never thought I would like a Bruno Mars song? :'(

Sjoe....Listen to this

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I had

At night when the stars
Light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon.
Trying to get to You
In hopes you're on
The other side
Talking to me too.
Or Am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon?

I'm feeling like
I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say
I've gone mad
But they don't know
What I know
Cause when the
Sun goes down
Someone's talking back
They're talking back

At night when the stars
Light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the moon.
Trying to get to You
In hopes you're on
The other side
Talking to me too.
Or am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon?

Do you ever hear me calling

'Cause every night
I'm talking to the moon

Still trying to get to you
In hopes you're on
The other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon?

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away


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True words...

"Missing someone is your heart reminding you that you love them"


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Klaar?

Ek is klaar gedink en gewonder oor wat aangaan. Ek het soveel ander gemors om oor te worry...rerig.

Dit gaan moeilik wees, of wag, dit is klaar moeilik.

Dis seer en sommer net hartseer....


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Some things from FB...

These are so close to home, its not even funny:

"Don't compare yourself to other people, there's only one of you so that makes you valuable"

"Sometimes we don't know how much we care for someone, until they stop caring about us"

"People hurt, Love don't"

"God is love, and love is real"


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Vir my BFF en myself ook...

Die reëndruppels huil teen die ruit
Die stilte druk my vas, ek staar voor my uit
Dis donker in my hart, daar is wolke voor die maan
En ek wonder hoe dit met jou gaan
Ek weet dat jy soms sukkel om staande te bly
Jou stil eensaam dae gaan soms so stadig verby
Daarom vra ek die Vader dat Hy jou sal seën
Want ek weet net soos ek is jy ook alleen
Ek bid vir jou vir vrede ver bo alle verstand
Ek seën jou met vreugde uit die Here se hand
Mag Hy jou teen die seerkry van alleen wees bewaar
En mag jy Sy liefde teer en sag ervaar
Al is jy dikwels hartseer en al is jy alleen
En al vloei daar soms trane soos hierdie reën
Wil ek hê dat jy sal weet en altyd sal onthou
Ek is lief vir jou en ek bid elke dag vir jou
Ek bid dat jy sal vol word van die Heilige Gees
En dat jy deur Sy leiding meer soos Jesus sal wees
Mag Hy jou teen die seerkry van alleen wees bewaar
En mag jy Sy liefde teer en sag ervaar.


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....

I'm wide awake...great. Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?

Got no idea where this nightmares come from....

Making coffee, then trying to sleep.




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Een van my verlang songs...(Ek tjank sommer)

Tussen Woorde Lyrics
by Juanita du Plessis


Tussen woorde lê daar soveel dankbare ure
Tussen woorde vlieg my drome reg deur die mure
En ek weet ek is niks sonder jou

Hier lê die drome
Hier lê die woorde
Hier lê die strale van die son waarin ek is
Soveel liefde om te gee
Soos die branders van die see
Wat van al my drome wis

Hier lê die spore
Hier lê die name
Hier lê die harte wat my woorde verder dra
En my hart wil dankie sê
Dat ek hierdie droom kan hê
Soveel meer as wat ek vra

Tussen woorde lê daar soveel dankbare ure
Tussen woorde vlieg my drome reg deur die mure
En ek weet ek is niks sonder jou wat
saam my drome bou
En wie my vashou
In jou oë is die rede dat ek sing in die duister
As jy lag kan ek hoor hoe al die engele fluister
Wat my hart vir jou wil sê
Het in die stiltes tussen woorde gaan lê

Hier lê die ligte
Hier lê die sterre
Hier lê die ritme wat my verder lei
Wat ek hoor en wat ek sien
Hoe kan ek dit ooit verdien
Hierdie wonderwerk vir my

Hier lê die saamwees
Hier lê die liedjies
Hier lê die hande wat my hart se snare raak
En my siel wil sing vir jou
En my hart wil jou omvou
Jy't my lewe laat ontwaak

Wat my hart vir jou wil sê
Het in die stiltes tussen woorde gaan lê


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Wat as...

Wat as jy net vir iemand kon se hoe jy rerig voel? Of dat jy rerig vir hul omgee? Ja, dis seker rerig eenvoudig, doen dit net, ne?

Maar?

Dis nie so maklik nie, want 'n mens is so bang jy verloor hul vriendskap...of jy is banger dat jy dit nooit eintlik gehad het nie?

Ek weet nie, le nou maar hier en wonder daaroor....

Tyd om te slaap, ja?


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Winter...

This winter has been mild so far, not too cold, but this time of the day is the worst. Freezing my nose off.

Maybe that's why I decided to grow my hair? To cover my neck and ears, or maybe its just age? Or change? I've had a few of those these past three weeks or so. At least its calming down a bit, the big move is nearly done, trees are being taken out and the decisions on what to keep, and what to throw out has been hard.

Some 'normal' will be nice for a change....

Then there is the missing, I miss my Oupa, I miss my BFF, I miss my BMF.

My apologies for such a 'deurmekaar' blog, but that's how its been for me, for a while.


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Cute?

So very true...


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What a day...

Let me start with the 'feel good' part of the day, ja?

I while ago I read 'Divergent', and I loved every single page in that book. Then, like usual I realized that the book was part of a trilogy. My BFF sends me the second book, a first edition I might add, and I loved 'Insurgent' more than the first. Now I have to wait another year for the final book, not nice at all. Can't remember why I stopped reading for such a long time, because I realized again today, how much I love to read.

Then all hell brakes loose in my family :(

How one person can be so heartless, I don't know, but who knows, maybe he is doing the right thing? I.don't.know...

Now I can't sleep, because I'm worried, and I'm struggling to work through all the things that happened. One of them is the realization that one day soon, very soon, I won't be able to go to Ouma and Oupa's house anymore, because first of all, they are no longer here, and second, the house will be packed up and sold....

I miss them, and I will miss their 'home' :'(


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Die en daai...

Eks alleen by die huis, ek sukkel deesdae met alleen wees. Dan sit ek hier en mis die mense wat so baie vir my beteken en hulle voel so flippen ver weg. Ja, een van hul is woes ver, die ander net seker so 1300 km?

Ek het nie die werk gekry nie :( Dit was nogal 'n emosionele ding vir my. Ek moet werk kry, en nogal dringend...

Daar is 'n leemte in ons lewens met Oupa wat weg is. Alles voel so deurmekaar. Almal wil alles net probeer regkry, maar tog maak dit als net meer deurmekaar.

Ek is so bang dit skeur ons uitmekaar...

En dis nou net ons vier.


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Ai...

Its been a sad and devastating week...Oupa passed away on Tuesday, and it feels like the bottom of our world dropped away. There is this void in our lives now, and nothing can ever fill it again. I miss him - terribly. It feels unreal, and how do I console my Mom?
My sister's court case is tomorrow... Yes, that's another worry. But I know all will go well.

Lord, You are our rock and Father. Thank you for every new day You give us. Thank you for my family and friends. Please, Jesus, be with my sister tomorrow, and please help her? Please Lord? I ask that You will help my Mom through this time? She is heartbroken...I ask this in Your Name, Amen.

PS: It seems I will be granted an interview....I'm scared and nervous.


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Antwoord...

Ek dink ek het my antwoord gekry vanoggend. Daai gevoel in my maag is daar. Nou net vir die hoop dat daardie mense die winkel sal vat, en natuurlik hoe lank dit nog gaan vat. Ek gaan my kliente woes baie mis, maar ongelukkig betaal hulle nie die huur nie, en hul sit ook nie kos op die tafel nie...

Dis tyd om my swart broeke uit te haal, en my jeans te bere...

Hartseer, maar dit voel reg.


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Ja

Its freezing...the wind is howling outside. And I can't sleep - again...grrrrr!


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Oupa...

Kom nou van die hospitaal af....Oupa is so vreeslik deurmekaar en ongemaklik :(

Dalk is die regte woord, geirriteerd? Ek weet nie...

Ek is baie bekommerd oor hom, dis asof hy nie stabiliseer nie.

Jesus, ek le vanaand my Oupa aan U voete. Maak hom asseblief gesond en spaar hom asseblief vir ons? U is al wat kan help. Amen!


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Shipwreck...

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island.

He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost.

He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island.

It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground...it just may be a smoke signal that summons grace of God.


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......

Quotes:

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty, be thankful that you have a glass and grateful for something in it"

"The hardest part isn't the choosing, its living with the choice you make"

"One of the best feelings in the world is that your presence and absence mean something to someone"


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Before bed, after the weekend...

I'm soo tired, feels like I've been awake for days. Well, I'm not sleeping well, so I decided to go to bed early, for if I wake up in the middle of the night, I did sleep a few winks.

But before I do that...

Had J's birthday party, it was a huge success, he is turning 5 years old tomorrow, I can't thank God enough for him.

Oupa is even worse than yesterday...It's breaking my heart to see him like that. He's not eating, and he can't even sit up :'(

Me and my BFF had a long chat last night about her new home, a thousand or so kilometers away. Our friendship is strong enough to overcome this. We will still see each other as much as possible... I'm happy for her, and I know this is the job she's been waiting for, for a long time. Yes, I still don't like it though, but I want her to be happy.

Oor en uit....


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General Things..,

I sold Ash's counter today, its sad...I don't want to sell off stuff, because I would love to stay here...but I never actually liked the counter, did I? I'm waiting for the answer, and I have faith!

We went to the movies last night with, what we call, Club Ash's. MIB in 3D is a better movie than the first two, I enjoyed it. The people are fun, and a nice bunch...

A busy weekend ahead...a fifth birthday party and my bff visiting...and then my aunt is here from Mosselbaai. It will be good to see everyone.

I still miss my bmf....





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Horoscopes, ha!

Sorry if I offend anyone!

What is it with horoscopes? People love to read the stuff, because it may 'warn' you of things to happen...and they tell you what type of day, life or relationship is waiting for you...

Today apparently my mood is supportive, my favourite color is orange and my lucky number is 15!

I'm not feeling nearly supportive and I don't even like orange?

I believe it's better to stick to what God is showing us, helping us with and to try to stick to His plan for our lives.

So I'm close to deleting my FB account, because it just makes you depressed and most of the crap you see is horoscopes, photo of the day, and game updates!

I'm just saying.....


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Yes well...

Its such a lonely day at the shop today...

No customers yet, no friends visiting and having coffee. I really don't like days like today. Just my own company and thoughts.

And not to mention the boring music they are playing on the radio...

It will be nice to be at a place with loads of people.


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True?

'Why settle for good, when better is available and best is achievable'


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Tomorrows...

I was thinking...and I wish I could keep Ash's. Yes, now I said it! That's the conclusion I came to. I love it, I love the people I met and the way they are part of my life now, I love the freedom I have, and making my own rules, and and and....

But reality is a bitch. I just wish I could have had a successful 'dream'.

It seems like someone is interested in taking over my lease, jip, received confirmation on email today...so just waiting for the owners to approve it.

My BFF is now a permanent employee, I hope and pray that she will make a success and be very happy in her new job. A new job, new city, new life for her, its what she deserves..

I'm always sleepy these days, must be the weather, so I will finish this blog 'tomorrows'? Yes, ok..

I really miss mein freund! :(




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Irritated...

Jip, that's me today!

It seems like everything is out to make me loose 'it' today! Like people wanting a tea bag, because they are too 'whatever' to go buy or bring from home. I don't mind helping people, never been selfish in that way, but flip it, when are you gonna realise that you drink tea for goodness sake!

I'm lonely and my own company is driving me nuts too!

Then there is the absolutely bad quality thread I'm using for this candlewicking project, that a friend bought! I don't have a problem paying R3 extra for a ball of thread!

Grrrrrrrr, urgh, grrrrr!

And did I mention it's freezing cold?

Maybe I must build a bridge and get over myself? I think so....


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Before I go to bed...

What a wonderful day I had!

I want to say thank you Lord!

I had such a good week at Ash's, and today was excellent. Had a nice visit with my half sister, and a lot of customers who's turning into friends.

I know tomorrow will be good too, and on Sunday I'm doing a book display at a Mom's day lunch...

Then I'm all by myself house-sitting for someone from Sunday...a bit scary I want to add.

Thank You again Lord for all You've done! Please be with my friends and family? Amen!

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Hoe nou?

Dit sou so lekker gewees het om met iemand te kon praat, oor al hierdie dinge wat deur my kop maal.

Al die dinge wat so verander, is nie lekker nie...

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S...

My BFF was offered a great job in Cape Town.

I want her to be happy, and successful. To build a future and do what she loves.

The last thing I ever want is for her to decline it for the wrong reasons....

Lord, please help her to make the right decision for HER?

Amen.

I will stand by her, no matter what. And I say that from the bottom of my heart.



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God is awesome...

Amazing how our God works! While sitting at Ash's this afternoon, wondering and worrying, this man walks in (not a stranger, I might add) and he tells me that God still does miracles...

It was wonderful to be made aware again of how good God is. How awesome. And it was great to have a 'God' talk with someone again!

Thank you Pieter...

PS: Praise and pray is a good motto to have


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I need His attention...Please?

 GETTING THE ATTENTION OF GOD

SCRIPTURE READING: Mark 10:46-52 Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and His disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus, was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. "What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him. The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see." "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

1. SOMETIMES IT MAY FEEL AS IF JESUS IS BEYOND YOUR REACH Mark 10:46 They came to Jericho. As Jesus and His disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus, was sitting by the roadside begging. Here we see the story of blind Bartimaeus. He was a blind beggar from the town of Jericho. Due to his disability he was unable to work and had to beg for a living. He, in all probability, had heard about Jesus and the miracles He was doing. It is unusual that we know the name of this man, because of all the people that Jesus healed, very few of them do we know by name. Bartimaeus was one of a very few who are actually named, who were miraculously healed by Jesus. The healing of blind Bartimaeus is also the final healing recorded in the book of Mark. The problem was that by this time Jesus was well known and was always followed by a crowd of people. They may not have had radio, television or the internet, but the message would travel fast and people would surround Jesus. Here we see a typical situation with Jesus, His disciples and a large crowd. How does anyone get access to Jesus under these circumstances, especially someone with the disability of blindness? Sometimes we can feel like this as well. Perhaps we feel that Jesus is too busy and too consumed with the greater good or the affairs of the world, why would He stop for 'little old me'! Perhaps we wonder how we will get through the crowd ourselves, how will we get close to Him? This story reminds us that regardless of the crowds, HE is willing and waiting to respond to our callings! HE is not beyond your reach. Call out to Him and just as He responded to blind Bartimaeus so you can expect that HE will respond to your callings.

2. HE IS READY TO MEET OUR DEEP-SEATED LONGINGS Mark 10:47 When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"  Perhaps blind Bartimaeus had hoped and longed that he too could meet Jesus. I can only imagine that he had visualized the unlikely possibility that somehow, some way, he could make contact and meet Jesus. Now circumstances had developed with Jesus and the most unlikely thing was happening – Jesus was passing by and He was passing by the very spot where Bartimaeus was. You may think this was a simple co-incidence, but perhaps it was a divine appointment.  But, I believe we catch the longing of his heart in the words: 'When he heard…..'! It came to his attention that it was Jesus passing by. I imagine he could hardly believe what he was hearing. The very person he had hoped to meet was right there, close to him, within his reach. He just lets rip and starts to scream. The story does not tell us that he first asked for confirmation. He just took the window of opportunity and grabbed it with all he had. A window of opportunity is a short time period during which an otherwise unattainable opportunity exists. After the window of opportunity closes, the opportunity ceases to exist. Bartimaeus took advantage of the 'window of opportunity' that opened up right in front of him. I believe that many people have got 'windows of opportunity' right in front of them right now. If only they would grab them and take advantage of them! A window of opportunity requires some effort. But that effort will be rewarded. Bartimaeus may not have been able to see, but he sure made good use of his hearing. HE is ready to meet your deep-seated longings.

3. DON'T ALLOW ANYTHING TO GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR PURSUIT OF GOD Mark 10:48 Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" It is interesting to note that it says MANY rebuked him. When he started calling out and using his window of opportunity, he got opposition. The scripture says that many rebuked him and told him to be quiet. They probably did it in undiplomatic ways. The opposition was in all likelihood ugly. His response to this deluge of hostile opposition is interesting. He shouted even louder. It was only at this point that it got the attention of Jesus. Perhaps he had even thought that Jesus was ignoring him? But he did not give up. Don't allow anyone or anything to get in your way. Pursue God with all you have got. If the opposition is strong, press on with even greater conviction. Bartimaeus may not have had sight, but he sure had insight. We know this because he called Jesus the 'Son of David!' Up until this stage Jesus may have been known as the 'Son of Joseph'. It is generally accepted that the term 'Son of David' was only used after the crucifixion. So this blind beggar knew something that was not a generally known fact. Why he used this term, we do not really know. But it is generally agreed upon that it was a prophetic proclamation. Even in his desperation, God was using him. Somehow, out of his poverty and darkness, he was convinced that Jesus was the Son of David. This man had conviction and determination, and he was rewarded for this.

4. JESUS WILL STOP FOR YOU! Mark 10:49 Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." This is for me the most intriguing element of this great story. In the midst of the bustling crowds and the noisy activity and with Bartimaeus shouting louder and louder, JESUS STOPS! Jesus did not overlook his callings, but Jesus stops. Jesus will stop for you too. He is not too busy to stop when you call on Him. That Jesus was willing and prepared to stop all the activity, to stop His plans and agenda to deal with this blind beggar man should be an encouragement to all of us. Jesus does not just stop, but He goes further and He 'calls him!' Perhaps there are those today that God is calling. We speak about being 'CALLED' into the ministry. When God stops to help us with the issues we are facing, it is always with the greater knowledge that He wants to use our lives for His purposes.

5. GET RID OF EVERY HINDRANCE Mark 10:50 Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. The cloak speaks of the things that we have clothed ourselves with. A beggar will usually clothe himself with shame. Here we see Bartimaeus throwing aside his cloak. He did not gently fold it up and place it to one side! He disposed of it! Perhaps you are walking around with some kind of cloak? It could be a blanket of heaviness, it could be a habit or sin, it could be a covering of some sort of shame because of something you have done or something that has been done to you? Throw it off today. The next thing he did was to jump to his feet. He gave up his begging position and got up. Sometimes we resort to something that we were never destined for. Perhaps it is time for you to give up your beggar status and stand tall in what God has prepared for you! He may not have been able to see, but he used what he had (his hearing) and followed the voice of the Master and made it to Jesus. Jesus will stop for you, He will call you and He will change your status as you call and come to Him!

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT HIM TO DO FOR YOU? Mark 10:51 "What do you want Me to do for you?" Jesus asked him.  It seems to be strange that God would ask a blind man what he would want Him to do. Surely it is obvious that he wanted to see. I have often thought about this. I have developed my own idea on this question. I believe that God knows what the root problem is. He knows the story behind the story. Often our requests are a cover-up for something deeper. God knows what is at the heart of our requests. But He wants us to come to the same realization. The question we must ask ourselves is 'What is the real issue?' Blind Bartimaeus responds and says: 'I want to see!' He did not say I want to have sight. He said he wanted to see. There is a difference between having sight and actually seeing! I have met some people who have perfect sight but they are unable to actually see what is right in front of them. What do YOU want Him to do for you? Have you ever given this serious thought? It is worth thinking about.

7. HE IS READY TO MEET YOUR NEED Mark 10:51-52 "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.  The response from Jesus is interesting! He says to the blind man 'GO"! It is often only in the 'going' that the miracle happens. Sometimes we want to stay and have everything change, but we must go and then see the change. As a result he was immediately healed. And it is interesting to note where he went. He did not go back to his things or perhaps his beggar's takings that he had left with his cloak. He did not go to his family or friends. It says he followed Jesus down the road. This shows us that he really did see and what he saw he would not give up. The older translations say that he followed Jesus 'in the way'! This indicates more than just down the road, but rather he became a follower or a disciple of Jesus. For each one of us, that is our destination! Wherever you may have been, whatever you may have experienced or gone through, the goal is that you and I would become a follower and a disciple of Jesus. When we get the attention of God, we become His disciple. I mentioned earlier that it was unusual in the New Testament to be given the name of someone who has been healed by Jesus. But in this specific case we do have the name and even more we have his father's name, Timaeus. It is interesting to note what his father's name means. Timaeus = it comes from ancient Greek and it means 'HONOUR'! He became the son of honour, and his honour was restored. He moved from a beggar to a disciple of Jesus. What an honour! He will do the same for you, He will restore you!

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Wat nou?

Ek weet nie wat aangaan nie, en dis regtig nie lekker nie...

Wat nou?

Ek wil ook nie torring nie..

Ek wil ook nie 'verloor' nie..

Eks hartseer en ek 'mis' so baie..


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Ja wat...

Ek het te gou gepraat...ek is alweer wakker! Nie lekker nie.


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Friday...

I don't like Fridays much... Its lonely at the shop.

I watched Mission Impossible Ghost something or the other, liked it a lot, typical my type of movie.

At least I can go home in about twenty minutes

Have a good weekend


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Slaap...

Dit sou so lekker wees as ek in my bed kon klim en slaap - en wanneer ek wakker word dan is als sommer reg :(

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Sjoe...

This day is dragging by so slowly...

I'm reading Hallowed, but that also seems to go slow.

What would I rather be doing? Maybe go to the movies, or to have lunch with the people I care about or soaking up the sun?

It's time for me to find a job, to be busy again....I will miss the shop, but I need to face reality. There are a lot of pro's when I 'work' again...

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'No Subject'

Its very frustrating, really!
Grrrr, Urgh, Grrrrr....

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Challenges...

In future, I'm going to keep my big mouth shut! I have this ability to say things and then all hell breaks loose...or not such a major 'explosion', but more or less a simmer!

And its the 'simmers' that's even worse than all the other things.

So? Here is another challenge for me...
And that's maybe more difficult than giving up Ash's..


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Gevoelens...

My gemoed is so op en af deesdae. Seker omdat ek by hierdie doodloopstraat gekom het, en dit voel asof ek stoot en stamp teen 'n soliede muur.

Ek glo nie die mense om my verstaan dat ek regtig probeer om beter te lyk en voel nie. En ek probeer regtig hard. Dis net dat ek so moedeloos is, dat dit voel asof ek om en om loop en elke keer terugkom by 'wat nou'. Die laaste ding wat ek wil he is dat mense saam my in hierdie gat moet sit.

Glo my as ek se dat ek ook weer wil lag, weer wil hoop, weer wil droom...


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Wise words...

"There are three things that may not be broken: Promises, friendships and hearts"


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I want...

To just feel better! This flu crap is not for me! Its been days and I'm just not getting rid of it...

I'm scared...really scared too.

My future feels so uncertain?


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Opgee?

My hart is stukkend...en ek weet nie wat om te doen nie.

My familie het gisteraand met my gepraat oor die winkel, en hulle dink ek moet dit opgee.

Alles wat ek het is in daai winkel, elke liewe sent wat ek het. Dit maak my so seer om te weet dat dit seker maar die enigste opsie vir my is.

Here, asb help my, ek is op my kniee, wat moet ek doen?


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Nie lekker nie...

Flip it ek voel siek! As dit nie flippen RA is wat my laat kak voel nie, is dit nou verkoue!

Kan ek asseblief net 'n gap kry?!


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Happy Birthday...

Ash's is one year old today!

Thank You God for this tuff, but good year!

Please be with us for the next one?

Amen!

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Grrrrrr

This waking up in the middle of the night, is really getting ridiculous now. Really pathetic.

I wonder what it feels like to sleep for 8 or 9 hours straight...


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FB updates...

"Too many people go through life running from something that is never after them"


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Maaikie...

So baie dinge het in die afgelope drie jaar gebeur, wat ons saam deurgemaak het. Ek sit seker nou al 'n rukkie en dink daaraan. Snaaks hoe al die goed terugkom na jou toe, as dit voel asof dinge nie so lekker gaan nie, ne?

Ek onthou hoe ek geworry het oor jou toe jy nog gesny het. Dit was vir my so unreal dat ek iemand ken wat so iets doen, dat ek meeste van die tyd net gedink het dis deel van 'n movie. Maar jy het daar deur gekom, en ek wil net vir jou se, eks bly jy het. Jy is nie meer afhanklik nie, en jy het soveel gegroei. En dis nice, rerig nice...

Dan is daar die aand wat ek saam jou op jou bed gele het in die kominne, die aand wat my sussie so vreeslik kwaad was vir my. Die aand wat jy my vertel het van jou Pa, en wat hy gedoen het. Daar het ek gele en luister na dinge, wat ek toe nog net gedink het gebeur met ander mense. In boeke, nie dinge wat gebeur het met mense wat ek ken nie.

Stories wat jy my vertel het van Duitsland, en die man van jou drome. Van toe jy in die polisie was, en die mense wat so belangrik in jou lewe is. En mense wat so hard en skielik uit jou lewe geruk was.

Ek dink ook oor hoe ons aande lank gesit het en planne gemaak het vir Ash's. Die aande wat ons boeke moes prys en die aande wat ons net gesit het en niks gese het nie.

Die dae wat ons saam gehuil het, en ook die dae wat ons oneindig lank kon lag.

Ag, daar is nog so baie goed wat ek wil se, maar dit gaan 'n paar blogs vat om dit te doen....

Ek is jammer ek lag nie meer nie, maar die lewe druk bietjie hard op hierdie stadium. Ek is jammer as ek jou planne en dinge afskiet sonder om eers daaroor na te dink. Ek is jammer dat ek nie meer soveel fun is nie. Ek is jammer as ek nie altyd luister as jy praat nie. Ek is jammer dat jy moes seer kry, nie net deur my nie, maar deur ander.

Ek wil net so vreeslik graag weer my vriendin terug he, die een wat alles met my deel, al is dit 'n pot bollie.

Ek is bly jy het ander vriende ontmoet, en dat jy hulle geselskap geniet, dis belangrik om balans te he.

Maar ek wil jou nie verloor nie. Ek wil net so vreeslik graag weer my maaikie terug he...

Dis al wat ek wou se vanaand....

Oor en uit!

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Honey and Cinnamon...

Now they say that honey and cinnamon will be the cure for my RA...So I have this pretty awful stuff I drink before bed at night, and as soon as I open my eyes in the mornings.

Funny, how the brain works though, this morning I wake up with absolutely no pain! I rush to my sister's room, and shares this news with her, and then?

I got excited way to soon! My body pains - again!

But I'm gonna give it a try for a month or so, just to see, who knows maybe it works? Apparently its good for weightloss too? So maybe I will find a cure for RA and F.A.T? :)

Last but not least...I made a decision today. I'm giving the shop another two months, if it doesn't go better, I'm off job hunting.

It breaks my heart to say this, and to give it a time-line, but I will pray for an answer....


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My day off...

Having a smoke on the stoep...My body is tired after a busy day. The house is clean, the ironing done! So when I get home after work tomorrow, there's nothing to do, except spent time in front of the TV for a change. Can't remember the last time I did some channel hopping...

Maybe I must catch a movie rather? Want to watch 'Wrath of the Titans' - they say its good, and I like that type of movies...But I will leave that for tomorrow and decide then?

Now I'm going to soak in a nice hot bath and watch a movie...seems like that's what is on my mind? Watching movies? Funny....

I spent time with the family today, washing cars. It was good...

Seems like I'm blogging a load of nothing, ja?

I miss mein freund!

Thank You Lord Jesus for dying on the cross for me and my loved ones! I did not forget what this day means...

Oor en uit!


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To sleep or not to sleep...

The house is quiet....The little man and his Mom is off in dreamland. So I ask myself, should I do that too?

Maybe...

The wind is howling outside, funny for this time of the year, so I assume its bringing either rain or cold. The first one is a better option for me.

I have this 'dry spell' what reading is concerned, so I can't even get myself to start reading one of the five books looking at me from my bookshelve.

Easter is here tomorrow...But I think we should maybe have less chocolate and more 'giving thanks' to Jesus for dying for our sins!

Have a good Easter...

God Bless!


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Winter and other things...

Yes, I think winter arrived with a bang. Its cold this morning, and the nights are colder too. Had to take out the blankets last night. I'm not looking forward to this season, its gonna be a cold one.

Ek is bekommerd oor baie dinge. My vriendin se hart is seer, maar sy praat nie daaroor nie. Miskien is dit omdat sy, soos ek, nie weet hoekom die dinge gebeur het nie? Dit is seer as 'n persoon so uit jou lewe geruk word, nie deur die dood nie, maar vir onverstaanbare redes. Ek kan maar net hoop en bid dat hulle sal besef wat gebeur het en dit probeer regmaak. Dat ons Liewe Vader hulle oe sal oopmaak en die stukkende dinge kan fix.

Ek het wakker geword met 'n song in my kop vanoggend, jip, en dis heel gepas. 'Gee vir haar 'n pleister vir haar hart'

Business is picking up, I would have made target if it weren't for the bad February. I'm trying to get some money to save, but I'm still playing 'catch-up'. What I'm gonna do? I don't know yet. But I will be positive! Nobody said it will be easy...

Ash's will be turning 1 on 16 April!

Ek het 'n kopseer, iets knyp in my rug vas en ek het nie geld nie... Dis nogal 'n tipiese blou Maandag. Maar ek glo en vertrou dinge gaan beter word, met my geld, my besigheid, my vriende en ook my familie.

God is in control, and I believe things will be better in no time!

Amen!




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Love...

Joyce Meyer:

"Love is a decision, and its a decision how we will treat other people"

Never give up on the people you love!


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Jip...

Joyce Meyer says:

"We've all got a past, but we can't let the sorrows of our past, determine our future"

Very, very true!


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Do you agree?

"People do not cry because they are weak, they cry because they where strong for too long"

Ek tjank nogal baie. Sommer net omdat ek gefrustreerd is, moeg is, seer het en, ja, omdat ek worry en hartseer is.

Ek is lief vir 'n handjie vol mense en omdat ek is, is ek bekommerd en wil ek help.

Ek wens net ek kon meer doen en minder tyd he om alles tot oneindig toe te probeer uitfigure, jy weet?

Here, help asb?


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Here I go again...

I actually tried this other blog, but its a bit dumb if you can't do it from your email...and I know I said I'm not gonna use this one no more. But here I go again.

I'm lying in bed and I can't sleep...typical for me actually!

So what happens? I think about all these 'things'... Things I would really like to know, things I would like to ask, things I would like to share...

And of course - things I would like to fix...

I'm tired and I'm sore, so maybe I must leave the 'things' (or at least a few of them) in God's hands...


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Seer...

Ek het lank laas so woes siek gevoel, als in my lyf is seer... Maar dis tyd om op te hou teem, en iets daaromtrent te doen. Ek sit hier met vrees in my hart, vrees, dat die dokter gaan bel en se ek is sieker as wat ek is.

Ek wil nog so baie dinge in my lewe doen, en regmaak. Nie net voel ek siek in my lyf nie, maar ook 'siek' in my hart.

Ek gee om, regtig ek doen. Maar ek bly dit opneuk! Erg opneuk! Miskien kan ek dit nie meer fix nie....



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Nie goed nie...

Ek voel so snaaks in my binneste. Daai gevoel van bang wees, maar tog hoop? Miskien maak dit nie sin nie?

Ons het gister gehoor my Oupa is baie siek, en daar is niks wat hulle vir hom kan doen nie. Hoe werk dit?! Hoekom kan hulle nie help nie?! Want die antwoord is, hy is oud... Dis hartseer en ek is bang. Sonder my Oupa sou ek nooit gewees het en bereik het wat ek het vandag nie. Hy is my anker, iets wat ek seker by my Pa moet voel, maar my Oupa is dit! Hy was altyd, maar altyd daar vir my - dis hartseer!

Here, ek le my Oupa aan U voete vanaand. Here asseblief spaar hom vir ons? Asseblief dat hy nie pyn en leiding het nie? Asseblief Here, Amen.


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12 Hours...

I believe today is going to be a good day...

I woke up at 5, I'm showered, make-up'd and on my way to Ash's. Maybe I must push for a 12 hour selling day today?

Lord, I pray for your help today. Not only for me and Ash's, but for my family and friends, who I love dearly. May everything work out, may they all be happy and blessed, Amen.

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Facebook 'things'...

These are worth reading....

"Past mistakes should teach you to create a wonderful future, not cause you to be afraid of it"

"To live is the rarest thing in the world,
Most people exist, that's all"

"Life is like a multiple choice question, sometime the choices confuse you, not the question itself"

"The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it"

"Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. And it is better to be absolutely ridiculous, than absolutely boring"

"Love is not complicated - people are"

"People who say it can't be done, should not interrupt those who are doing it"

And my own 5 cents worth? Look to the Lord above, and place all your hope in Him... I believe I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I hope and pray that God will help me through this bad period...Amen.


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A friend I want to be...

Found this on FB again,

Accepts you as you are
Believes in "you"
Calls you just to say "Hi"
Doesn't give up on you
Encourages you to be your best
Forgives your mistakes
Gives unconditionally
Helps you
Invites you over
Just wants to "be" with you
Keeps you close at heart
Loves you for who you are
Makes a difference in your life
Never Judges
Offers support
Prays for you
Quiets your fears
Raises your spirits
Says nice things about you
Tells you the truth when you need to hear it
Understands you
Values you
Walks beside you
X-plains things you don't understand
Yells when you won't listen and
Zaps you back to reality


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Grrrrrr...

So, I went to bed at 20h00, because I'm so very tired...

And now I'm awake, but real awake, grrrrr!

I guess it is true what my BMF always say: "I can't type in my sleep, now can I?"

PS: the infection feels much, much better, but the RA? It hurts real bad again.

PSS: and I'm still tired!


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Verkeerd en finaal...

Ek dreig nou al sowat 'n week om te blog oor als wat in my kop aangaan en hoe my hart voel.

Ek is meeste van die tyd net plain bang en hartseer. Dis aaklig om so te voel, ek hou van lag, en gelukkig wees. Mense loop uit my lewe uit, want ek is soos ek is. Daars niemand om te blameer behalwe myself nie.

Nou moet ek gewoond raak aan die hele gedagte, dat mense wat altyd daar was vir my, nie meer daar is nie. Ek is bly as mense kan aanbeweeg, mense ken wat hulle gelukkig maak, mense wat nie altyd een of ander krisis in hul lewe het nie. Mense wat hulle nie kritiseer of afskeep nie. Mense wat hulle help, regtig help. Mense het wat hul vriende kan wees en by hulle kan staan.

Dis net moeilik om afskeid te neem, hartseer eintlik...

Dan is daar die mense wat siek is, wat nie meer kan wees wat hulle was nie. Dit breek my hart. Ek wens ek kon iets doen om hulle te help. Maar ek kan nie. En al wat ek doen is om te baklei. Dis nie reg nie.

Dan die vrees....dis die seerste, die onsekerheid...

Maar ek het 'n God wat by my staan, en ek weet Hy gaan my nie nou los nie. Hy gaan ook nie die mense vir wie ek lief is los nie! Want my God is Almagtig. Amen!

Ek is dankbaar vir die mense wat bly, die mense wat nog oor is. Ek bid en hoop dat ek hulle nie ook sal verloor nie.

Dis al vir nou...


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Wisdom...

Lessons Learned In Life wrote:

"Life is too short, grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Love deeply, and forgive quickly, take chances, give everything, and have no regrets. Life is too short to be unhappy. You have to take the good with the bad, smile when you're sad, love what you've got, and always remember what you had.


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True words...

True friends are not about who came first, and who you've known the longest....
Its about who came and never left!


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Mooi gedagte...

Skoenlappers sien nie hoe mooi hulle vlerke is nie, maar ons doen... Jy sien dalk nie hoe mooi mens jy is nie, maar ek sien... En weet hoe mooi, spesiaal, kosbaar & belangrik jy is... Glo dit, droom dit, leef dit & vlieg hoog... Jy het alles om te kan! Onthou jy is beautiful en 'n kosbare pêrel in God se Hand!!!


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So...

Why is it that the last hour of a work day, can drag on and on? I'm tired, really tired, but trying to sleep at night, is impossible. Yes, its a mind thing, but I can't seem to get it right.

Maybe its because a lot of things are happening at the same time? Things I always hoped, can stay the way they were. We try to do what's best for the people we care for, but we end up pleasing only one party. And its not pleasing either, its sad and it hurts.

All we can do is support, support with love and care. Saying the right things at the right time. And trying not to hurt, with actions or words. The feeling of 'falling apart' is there the whole time, but we must and want to be there, always.

Is it not enough that a person's body aches most of the time? Now along with that your heart hurts.

So.... there are no answers in my head today, maybe tomorrow?


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Not right...

Something is wrong, and I wish I knew how to handle it...

If I'm going to talk about it, it is going to be a huge fight again, but I can't shake this feeling.

The worst part is, its all about trust and honesty, and do I deserve it? Yes, I do....

I'm really sad.....


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Pyn...

Die afgelope week of so was dit in my linker heup. Dit was nog die hele tyd seer, maar wat snaaks is, is dat dit op een plek bly? Nou is dit in my regter heup ook, fabulous, absoluut fabulous. Ek tjank sommer!

Dis regtig seer, maar dank die Here, dis nie tandpyn nie, want dit is tien maal erger...

Ek wil so graag net slaap, vir 'n hele dag, net slaap...


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Wise words...

'What if you woke up tomorrow, with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?'

It makes you think, yes?

Well, I know what I'm thankful for, and sometimes it would be nice if people can, just for a second, stop and realize how much I care...


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Ironic-ness

I'm done with the ironing! Thank goodness! Sjoe... Funny how I'm ironing and doing washing at the same time? Its a bit ironic, don't you think?

I'm tired, but I think sleep is going to take a while to happen...

At least I'm being clever (and not only ironic), to take pain pills before I go to bed, instead of waking up, in the middle of the night, to do it ;)

Sleep tight!


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Dancing with God...

This is amazing that someone even thought of this!


When I meditated on the word   Guidance,I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word. I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing. When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music,and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky. When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,both bodies begin to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness,and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other. My eyes drew back to the word Guidance. When I saw "G": I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i"."God, "u" and "i" dance."God, you, and I dance. As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life. Once again, I became willing to let God lead. My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday. May you abide in God, as God abides in you. Dance together with God, trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of your life. This prayer is powerful and there is nothing attached. If God has done anything for   you in your life,please share this message with someone else. There is no cost but a lot of rewards;so let's continue to pray for one another. And I Hope You Dance Through 2012


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Thinking...

I woke up at around 2am...and I'm still awake. Now it seems impossible to go back to sleep.

I had coffee and a few pain pills, because it feels like my wrists are going to break off. But that's not why I'm doing this blog :)

I'm thinking about a thing or two....

There is thunder rumbling, it smells like rain too!

I'm sitting here, thinking about my BFF and how she's getting to work if its still raining in a few hours. I'm also thinking that its been a year since I left my job. I'm thinking about the future and all the things in progress for the year to come....and some other serious thoughts!

With God's help, this year is going to be amazing! For the people I love and care for, and for me!

God Bless!


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