Just gemeral...

Its been a very long time since I visited my blog.  Every time I start writing something or someone happens and I loose the mood or need to blog.

A lot has changed in the past six or so months. I left the job that I loved doing for something way different to what I am used to. Yes it was a soul crushing job. Not the job or the minions who worked with me, but the senior people that was killing my spirit and my love for what I did. I miss the constant rush, the deadlines and like I said the other minions, but I dont miss the threats, the name calling and overall fear. I dont miss working on weekends and holidays, that much I can honestly say. But I miss doing a job I loved. I am scared I made a mistake starting this new venture, moving to something I maybe wont like doing. Something I might not have the passion for. But God gave me all the right signs. Everytime I felt confused He lead me right back to where I am today.

I am scared to just excist, not to thrive. I am scared to merely 'be' every day. I think it comes with growing older. Seeing things differently around me. Seeing life for what it really is. Really looking for the things that really matters. People matter! My parents, my nephew, my sister, some of the people I know that I can call friends. But how many can you call friends really? Every person lie. Some lie because they dont want to hurt themselves or others. Some lie to look better in other's eyes. Some lie to scheme and hurt...but my question is why do we have to lie soo much? I really dont care where you live, what you earn, and why you cant make it. Life is about more than that. Stop lying. Stop cheating. Stop being something youre not. 

Then there is my Mom. Maybe one of the toughest, most worrisome things in my life. She stopped laughing. She stopped seeing humour and being happy. She is angry most of the time. It feels like she dislikes us. I am not saying that she does not love us. I am saying that it seems like we do nothing right. Nothing is good enough. There is strive and silent-treatment. So much unhappiness and tears and negativity. I just want her to enjoy life. Laugh. Play. Relax. Be at peace. Not to measure our family against others. There will always be better families out there. Better children. Better circumstances. Why cant we just except each other? Love each other? Why do we always have to blame each other for making mistakes or choices. It is ok to just say sorry and to move on. Why threaten to leave or to keep quiet? Lets talk about it. Lets stop blaming each other. Let us just be a family that can be happy and at peace.

I am also scared because it feels like the pain in my body is getting worse. It makes me tired and sometimes just plain frustrated. I am scared when I have this constant pain that it is damaging my body more and more. That I will become disabled. That I cant work or go places. Not to be able to function like a normal person. I know my people have days and moments where they must think I am using this as an excuse. Or that I am looking for sympathy. I am not. I try every day. I really do. I focus on not telling them how much I hurt. I try not to complain. 

We keep on blaming and saying all these people changed so much. But I know they did not change - we did. Life is changing us into the type of people we never used to like. It is not right. It is unfair. Life is a gift and we are wasting it on stupid, nitty gritty crap. We fight and blame and push away. Why cant we just be. Be thankful. Be loving. Stop judging. Stop blaming. God gave us free will. We need to make a decision to change for the better every day. Tomorrow is not promised. I tell myself that every day. Now I need to put it in practise.