Trying to make sense of it all...

Yes, here I go again.  Blogging when I feel so depressed and down, when life is pressing down on me in a bad way.  I know I need to focus on the positive in life.  To rather blog about the good, not the bad. 

 

It all started with my friend and my mother having a show-down of a fight at my nephew’s school.  My Mom was wrong to react the way she did, with going into ‘stilstuipe’ and my friend being her untactful self.  Then of course both of them thinking they did nothing wrong.  With one of them overreacting and the other one I-am-right-so-in-your-face attitude.  Now I am sitting in the middle of this all.  Look my Mom was wrong to start ignoring her and she was wrong treating or saying it the way she did.  The funny thing is that it was about a stupid song that played!  Really??  Real friends are few and far between, to find true friends are not easy.  Where we all stand today is hard to say.  Will things be okay, will my friend keep on staying away because of my Mom?  Will my Mom get over herself?  To be honest?  At this stage I just don’t care.  Life is too short for this type of situations.  I’ve been trying to talk to my Mom about her short fuse and about her forgiving and forgetting and her way of dealing with things that she dislikes.  But that is like talking to a wall.  I can’t do that no more.  About my friend? I knew this blow-out was building up.  My Mom and sister asking her to stop swearing in front of my nephew and other friends.  About her trying to be more tactful. She is a wonderful friend.  She is caring and we can rely on her.  And I believe she can rely on us.  Or I hope she knows she can.  What I can’t stand is the lies.  Today saying this, after you said something completely opposite yesterday.  Why?  Can’t we just all get along?  Enjoy each other’s company?  I’m sure we also do things that she dislikes.  Why get upset about it?  I really don’t know.  It is not necessary to complicate, uncomplicated things.

 

I crave being happy.  I want to have friends in my life, real friends.  Someone to talk to, to share things and events with.  Not to have strife.  To ensure my nephew is happy and comfortable in his home.  So he can have friends and enjoy growing up.  For my sister to relax more and work less. For her to stop trying to change the world.  For her to be real happy.  For my Mom to find peace and happiness. For her to stop being so negative and angry all the time.  For her to see the good in people, not only the bad.  I want to fix my broken friendships.  I am lonely and I don’t like it, but I will not sell my soul and throw away my values and morals for it.  I want to be better.  I want other people to see I am a child of Jesus…

 

Today I am just trying to make sense of it all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just gemeral...

Its been a very long time since I visited my blog.  Every time I start writing something or someone happens and I loose the mood or need to blog.

A lot has changed in the past six or so months. I left the job that I loved doing for something way different to what I am used to. Yes it was a soul crushing job. Not the job or the minions who worked with me, but the senior people that was killing my spirit and my love for what I did. I miss the constant rush, the deadlines and like I said the other minions, but I dont miss the threats, the name calling and overall fear. I dont miss working on weekends and holidays, that much I can honestly say. But I miss doing a job I loved. I am scared I made a mistake starting this new venture, moving to something I maybe wont like doing. Something I might not have the passion for. But God gave me all the right signs. Everytime I felt confused He lead me right back to where I am today.

I am scared to just excist, not to thrive. I am scared to merely 'be' every day. I think it comes with growing older. Seeing things differently around me. Seeing life for what it really is. Really looking for the things that really matters. People matter! My parents, my nephew, my sister, some of the people I know that I can call friends. But how many can you call friends really? Every person lie. Some lie because they dont want to hurt themselves or others. Some lie to look better in other's eyes. Some lie to scheme and hurt...but my question is why do we have to lie soo much? I really dont care where you live, what you earn, and why you cant make it. Life is about more than that. Stop lying. Stop cheating. Stop being something youre not. 

Then there is my Mom. Maybe one of the toughest, most worrisome things in my life. She stopped laughing. She stopped seeing humour and being happy. She is angry most of the time. It feels like she dislikes us. I am not saying that she does not love us. I am saying that it seems like we do nothing right. Nothing is good enough. There is strive and silent-treatment. So much unhappiness and tears and negativity. I just want her to enjoy life. Laugh. Play. Relax. Be at peace. Not to measure our family against others. There will always be better families out there. Better children. Better circumstances. Why cant we just except each other? Love each other? Why do we always have to blame each other for making mistakes or choices. It is ok to just say sorry and to move on. Why threaten to leave or to keep quiet? Lets talk about it. Lets stop blaming each other. Let us just be a family that can be happy and at peace.

I am also scared because it feels like the pain in my body is getting worse. It makes me tired and sometimes just plain frustrated. I am scared when I have this constant pain that it is damaging my body more and more. That I will become disabled. That I cant work or go places. Not to be able to function like a normal person. I know my people have days and moments where they must think I am using this as an excuse. Or that I am looking for sympathy. I am not. I try every day. I really do. I focus on not telling them how much I hurt. I try not to complain. 

We keep on blaming and saying all these people changed so much. But I know they did not change - we did. Life is changing us into the type of people we never used to like. It is not right. It is unfair. Life is a gift and we are wasting it on stupid, nitty gritty crap. We fight and blame and push away. Why cant we just be. Be thankful. Be loving. Stop judging. Stop blaming. God gave us free will. We need to make a decision to change for the better every day. Tomorrow is not promised. I tell myself that every day. Now I need to put it in practise.