Loss...

I hate funerals. I really do...

Today we said goodbye to Nadia. A young lady with so much heart. I never knew her as well as some of the people that attended her funeral, but i still loved her and had hope for her full recovery. But it was not part of God's greater plan. He wanted her to teach us a lesson or two. And she did.

There was so much love for her. So much pain today. My Dad trying to keep it together, but failing. My stepmother trying to be the strong woman, and Anouchka so heartbroken.

Nadia...you will be missed and loved - for ever...

Limbo....

Well...week one of the new year is nearly gone. Going back to work on Monday...back to normal. Sometimes it will be nice just to stay in vacation mode...dont you think?

My half sister passed away this week. She was this bubbly, positive person. A person that had this hope and fight for life. But Jesus had His own plan and she is gone now. Yes i believe she went to a better place. Even though it is hard on the people left behind. It makes me think and know that our life is short and all this negative things in life must stop. But how to stop it and how to make each moment count? How to fix things that are broken?

Sometimes we cant or wont or dont want to. I dont know...

Then an old friend lost her baby today. They tried to fall pregnant for so long and then she had a miscarriage...not nice. I believe she will be ok, because she is another fighter that i know.

I had this fall-out or fight or misunderstanding with my friend, just before Christmas. Its been two weeks now and everything that was said is still hanging...just hanging. I told her how i felt. Not to hurt her or to try and change her. I was honest and i really thought she would try to understand my intentions. Seems i was wrong. I thought we could be honest and open with each other. Then i got told that i decided our friendship was over after our 'discussion' but that is not true. I actually went there to save our relationship before it got to the point where it ended...

So i still dont know where we are at the moment. Its like being in limbo. Do we just forget seven years and move on? Do you just cut off that piece of your life and lock away the memories? Turn love into hate? Think about the what 'ifs'?

All i can say is that my intention was to fix not to destroy.

I had a great time with my family this holiday. We laughed and relaxed. I read two amazing books, they made me laugh and cry. We had fun and i want to thank Jesus for that. We needed this time...

So week one of the new year was bitter sweet, but i believe in my heart that all will be ok. I truly hope and pray it will....

A good cry...

Sometimes its a good thing to have a good hard cry in the shower, where its only you and your tears and frustrations and hurt. When you are done you have a terrible headache and you feel drained. Not that you feel any better. Not that your negative thoughts and feelings are gone or miraculousy gone.

Its been a hard year. Where you see people you love change and hurt. A year with hearing of death and retrencement and lying and cheating. Of fighting and hurting. Of trying to change your circumstances and worries of money and illness.

My blog must be the only place where i can truly say what i feel, because i dont want to sound like a nag and a pessimist. Where i can say that i am scared. Scared of my hands and body losing more function. Scared of losing my people. Scared of illness and losing hope.

I feel sad today. And i believe we may feel this way sometimes.

My friend is keeping stuff from me. Things that are messing with her head and heart. I know there is much more than what she is sharing and really saying. Its changing her. What to do? Wait...yes. maybe she will find it in her to talk to me and to talk to me. Really talk. About everything. Not only work, but the real stuff. The stuff that makes us human.

My job is boring. I feel incompetent and dumb. I feel useless.

I worry so much about my family. My Mom is angry most of the time and i dont know why. She cries and fight and lock herself away. All i want to do is hold her and tell her that everything will be ok.

My sister works hard. She is the strong one. The one that i can rely on every single day. She can be a bit hard sometimes and that scares me. I love her so very much. She is my rock.

Then we have this little eight year old boy that is like glue.. he keeps us together. He makes us laugh and happy. Yes he also makes us worry. But i love him so very much.

But...

I am thankful. I am grateful. I have hope. My Lord is an awesome God. He will provide. He will bless us until all eternity. I have my family and friends. I have a job. I have hope. I said that already?

Im sorry i am such a mess today...time to get over this. Really....

I find me guilty...

You know...I just realized again that we are very very guilty. Yes...guilty.

We are terribly selfish!

I dont have money...
I am not happy...
How they treat me...
It is not fair...
I do all I can...
I can not do this anymore...
What I gave you...
What I do for them...
But I need this...
I want that...

And so we go on and on and on!

So I find myself and others guilty!

We all deserve happiness. We all derserve unconditional love and devotion. We all deserve to be listened to and to be respected. We all deserve forgiveness and most of all...we all deserve not to be judged!

But even though we know all this we judge and hurt with words and actions. We are not made to be the judge of others!

It is not just about you..or me.

We are guilty!

We need to love and care and yes, we need to think before we say something. Before we do something.

Life does not owe us anything!

Happiness start within ourselves.

Dont let others steal your joy. Dont let others judge you and find you guilty - it is not their right to do so!

God? Please help me to stop with all these 'wrong' things and 'wrong' thoughts and even worse - wrong actions? I am sorry...

I really am sorry....

Dreams and things...

I dream a lot these past few weeks. Weird dreams, but they can't be called nightmares. They make me feel tired in the mornings and they stay in my mind throughout the day. Why they stay with me, I think, is because I dream of people that played a huge part in my life, the 'people I used to know' list.

I can't say that the dreams make me miss them, or that I want to make contact with them. Or that it makes me sad, angry or wistful. It actually makes me sit and frown at myself, or rather frown upon my thoughts, because it is so weird not having feelings about it. But still, it takes up so much of my 'me time'.

Now I'm tired because of dreams...

I do sleep, but I don't rest? Does that make sense?

So here I am...having a smoke and really hoping not to have dreams when I go to sleep tonight.

Doomed? Nope...

Its been an awful weekend...or actually it ended all wrong. Why is it that a misunderstanding can turn into a fight or not atually a fight, but this leave-me-alone moments. Moments where things are said and done that hurt real bad?  The worst of all is that its the same thing over and over. Nothing gets resolved because no one wants to talk about it. And then? History repeats itself again the next time around. Its not right. Its not fair. It hurts...every time.  To make matters worse it is now all of us not talking. Adults that we are.

What really hurt yesterday was the words...this family is doomed. Well we are not! Because we have a Father in Heaven that will not allow us to be 'doomed'! I refuse to believe that.

I will keep trying and praying. That is all that is left.

That is what you do if you love people...not so?

This whole situation made me think of moving for the first time in five years...maybe that is a solution. Maybe not. I dont mind living in a room.  So I started looking around....

I love my family. There is no words to describe how much. I will do anything for them. So maybe that is the solution...maybe not. Who knows?

At least my blogs are private and I can say how I feel without hurting people more!

By the way...I hate feeling like this...aai...

Long time...

We are sitting in the dark once again... welcome to load shedding.  One good thing is that I have the time to blog.

How are things going? A lot of things are going.

Our boy started with karate, Mom is going for a shoulder operation, my sister is as busy as ever and our house is in serious need of maintenance.

The trees are slowly but surely losing its leaves and the nights are getting cooler. The warmer clothes is making an appearance once again and my body is already complaining that its cold...

Im in serious need of a dentist and I wish I can stop this arthritis destroying the bones in my body. The pain is better, I must say, Im just worried about the bones and the way it is limiting what I can and cant do.

Im hanging on to my faith and hope. Praying that all will be ok. I hate being scared and being worried about so many things at the same time. I wish that I can wake up one morning and that most of the scary things can just be dealt with. Finish and done with, you know? But life does not work that way...God has got a plan, a good plan...

And that is what I am holding on to...