Dreams and things...

I dream a lot these past few weeks. Weird dreams, but they can't be called nightmares. They make me feel tired in the mornings and they stay in my mind throughout the day. Why they stay with me, I think, is because I dream of people that played a huge part in my life, the 'people I used to know' list.

I can't say that the dreams make me miss them, or that I want to make contact with them. Or that it makes me sad, angry or wistful. It actually makes me sit and frown at myself, or rather frown upon my thoughts, because it is so weird not having feelings about it. But still, it takes up so much of my 'me time'.

Now I'm tired because of dreams...

I do sleep, but I don't rest? Does that make sense?

So here I am...having a smoke and really hoping not to have dreams when I go to sleep tonight.

Doomed? Nope...

Its been an awful weekend...or actually it ended all wrong. Why is it that a misunderstanding can turn into a fight or not atually a fight, but this leave-me-alone moments. Moments where things are said and done that hurt real bad?  The worst of all is that its the same thing over and over. Nothing gets resolved because no one wants to talk about it. And then? History repeats itself again the next time around. Its not right. Its not fair. It hurts...every time.  To make matters worse it is now all of us not talking. Adults that we are.

What really hurt yesterday was the words...this family is doomed. Well we are not! Because we have a Father in Heaven that will not allow us to be 'doomed'! I refuse to believe that.

I will keep trying and praying. That is all that is left.

That is what you do if you love people...not so?

This whole situation made me think of moving for the first time in five years...maybe that is a solution. Maybe not. I dont mind living in a room.  So I started looking around....

I love my family. There is no words to describe how much. I will do anything for them. So maybe that is the solution...maybe not. Who knows?

At least my blogs are private and I can say how I feel without hurting people more!

By the way...I hate feeling like this...aai...

Long time...

We are sitting in the dark once again... welcome to load shedding.  One good thing is that I have the time to blog.

How are things going? A lot of things are going.

Our boy started with karate, Mom is going for a shoulder operation, my sister is as busy as ever and our house is in serious need of maintenance.

The trees are slowly but surely losing its leaves and the nights are getting cooler. The warmer clothes is making an appearance once again and my body is already complaining that its cold...

Im in serious need of a dentist and I wish I can stop this arthritis destroying the bones in my body. The pain is better, I must say, Im just worried about the bones and the way it is limiting what I can and cant do.

Im hanging on to my faith and hope. Praying that all will be ok. I hate being scared and being worried about so many things at the same time. I wish that I can wake up one morning and that most of the scary things can just be dealt with. Finish and done with, you know? But life does not work that way...God has got a plan, a good plan...

And that is what I am holding on to...

2014 and other things....

I need to blog more often. There is so much emotional things happening in my life at the moment and all I can think about is how I am thankful and fearful at the same time.

I have this amazing sister and mother and a fearless seven year old nephew. The three people in my life that is truly a gift from God. I love them so much and unconditionally. As you know by now I have RA and it is not much fun to have it. It is sore and uncomfortable and it makes me feel half scared and depressed most of the time. For example...it is sometimes too sore to turn my car's key or to get up from a chair. Then comes along my awesome family and they help me up from that chair or help me get in the pool or whatever without batting an eye. No questions asked. I want to say thank you and I love you all....I pray that God will fix me and that He will keep His loving arms wrapped around us.

2014 was a tough year. With our little boy starting school. My Mom going on pension. My sister being unhappy at work and the ex that keep on throwing us with curf balls... but all in all the year is ending on a positive note. Its ending with hope, love and expectation.

I believe 2015 is going to start off great and end even better. Because with God on our side who can be against us!

Im going to go into remission. My family is going to prosper and be happy and successful. We are going to go from strength to strength and we are going to be great, together....

Thank you God!

Long time...

I need to blog more. Because there are a lot of things I need to talk about, but there is no one to listen. People are busy with their lives, and that is how it should be. People have their own worlds that they live in and what is important for the one, is useless to the other.

Summer is here in full bloom. It is lovely to hear the birdsin the mornings, even before the sun showed its new promise of a nice warm day. It is time to shave the legs (hehehehehe) and to dig out the cooler clothes. I believe this season is going to be a new season in my life. Im going to get better. Even though my hands are all skew and disformed. Even though my pain is driving me half mad. I believe my God is going to touch me and heal me!

Here is to believing. To hope. To family...and to be more positive in a new season....

Decleration...

I saw something on facebook today and it got stuck in my head. It is something that can give me hope for a bright and prosperous future. So I thought it will be a good idea to post my own decleration on my blog, so I can come back to it when the going gets a bit tough...

I declare...
- that my faith in Jesus will grow
- that me and my loved ones will be safe and happy
- that unexpected blessings will come our way
- that my body will be healed
- that love will reign over us and that good things will come

There are still a few things that I want to declare, but for now these are the most important ones...

Thank you Jesus for showing me this today.. Thank You for being my Lord and Saviour!

A new week....

What a start to the week. Hectic day at work, headache (for the first time in months) and a family fight. Again the fight was about nothing in particular, sort of like a letting off of steam for three parties involved. A waste of time if you ask me. Such a waste of good family time. Im sure it will be ok in a day or two, or so I hope.

I started with biokinetics about a month ago. They say it will rehab my muscles that are damaged because of the RA. I do feel better.  I dont know if it is just because I had a change of attitude? It could be. Or not. My body still flare up. But it is as if I can cope better with the pain. Funny that when my body feels ok, its as if I 'miss' the pain. Weird I know, but its difficult to explain.

We are leaving for a well deserved holiday at the end of December. Im looking forward to it. Sand, sea and lazy days...Im gonna read and relax and laugh. Thats what holidays are for...yes.

Im tired and I really hope I can sleep tonight. Last night was not a good one, with tummy ache and dreaming about an affair with my boss. Great. It wad scary. It was one of those dreams, for when you wake up. You are real happy that its not real.

Time for pills and bed...over and out...