Running away...

Run away.  Hide away. Sleep. Feeling pain, frustration and irritation.  On top of all that I am tired most of the time.  I am uncomfortable, because I am fat, unfit, unhealthy and unhappy.

 

The slightest thing can trigger tears, I cry a lot.  Believe me not only a lot, but like buckets full of tears that just burst forth and I can’t seem to help myself.  I am not feeling self-pity or sorry for myself.  I feel all the above mentioned.  I wish I could be like my Mother and Sister and not cry.  Just go into silent-mode and brew in all the feelings without showing the world how much you actually care, but without all the emotional snot and tears.  I am in constant discomfort and pain with this flippen hip.  Now I have bedsores or pressure sores that just cause me to feel worse.  I can’t take care of them myself, because it is on my bum and I need to ask for help. Again!  I hate to feel this useless!! My sister is working herself into a coma, because I am too useless to help her with the smallest of tasks.  She is not a robot.  She is nobody’s maid and definetly not my servant.  I can just imagine how tired she must be.  I have been waiting for this operation now for about six months, and in the past half year, she had to do everything.  It is as if everything is too much to do for my Mom.  It feels like she is just sitting back and waiting for my sister to do even more.  I love my Mom to bits, and I will not trade her for anything or anyone on earth, but I worry about her not being active, shying away from responsibility and tasks.  She walks around like an old woman, and she is not.  She does not talk to people, visit people or let people visit her.  If it is not about her grandson, then it is as if she will just stay in bed the whole time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trying to make sense of it all...

Yes, here I go again.  Blogging when I feel so depressed and down, when life is pressing down on me in a bad way.  I know I need to focus on the positive in life.  To rather blog about the good, not the bad. 

 

It all started with my friend and my mother having a show-down of a fight at my nephew’s school.  My Mom was wrong to react the way she did, with going into ‘stilstuipe’ and my friend being her untactful self.  Then of course both of them thinking they did nothing wrong.  With one of them overreacting and the other one I-am-right-so-in-your-face attitude.  Now I am sitting in the middle of this all.  Look my Mom was wrong to start ignoring her and she was wrong treating or saying it the way she did.  The funny thing is that it was about a stupid song that played!  Really??  Real friends are few and far between, to find true friends are not easy.  Where we all stand today is hard to say.  Will things be okay, will my friend keep on staying away because of my Mom?  Will my Mom get over herself?  To be honest?  At this stage I just don’t care.  Life is too short for this type of situations.  I’ve been trying to talk to my Mom about her short fuse and about her forgiving and forgetting and her way of dealing with things that she dislikes.  But that is like talking to a wall.  I can’t do that no more.  About my friend? I knew this blow-out was building up.  My Mom and sister asking her to stop swearing in front of my nephew and other friends.  About her trying to be more tactful. She is a wonderful friend.  She is caring and we can rely on her.  And I believe she can rely on us.  Or I hope she knows she can.  What I can’t stand is the lies.  Today saying this, after you said something completely opposite yesterday.  Why?  Can’t we just all get along?  Enjoy each other’s company?  I’m sure we also do things that she dislikes.  Why get upset about it?  I really don’t know.  It is not necessary to complicate, uncomplicated things.

 

I crave being happy.  I want to have friends in my life, real friends.  Someone to talk to, to share things and events with.  Not to have strife.  To ensure my nephew is happy and comfortable in his home.  So he can have friends and enjoy growing up.  For my sister to relax more and work less. For her to stop trying to change the world.  For her to be real happy.  For my Mom to find peace and happiness. For her to stop being so negative and angry all the time.  For her to see the good in people, not only the bad.  I want to fix my broken friendships.  I am lonely and I don’t like it, but I will not sell my soul and throw away my values and morals for it.  I want to be better.  I want other people to see I am a child of Jesus…

 

Today I am just trying to make sense of it all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just gemeral...

Its been a very long time since I visited my blog.  Every time I start writing something or someone happens and I loose the mood or need to blog.

A lot has changed in the past six or so months. I left the job that I loved doing for something way different to what I am used to. Yes it was a soul crushing job. Not the job or the minions who worked with me, but the senior people that was killing my spirit and my love for what I did. I miss the constant rush, the deadlines and like I said the other minions, but I dont miss the threats, the name calling and overall fear. I dont miss working on weekends and holidays, that much I can honestly say. But I miss doing a job I loved. I am scared I made a mistake starting this new venture, moving to something I maybe wont like doing. Something I might not have the passion for. But God gave me all the right signs. Everytime I felt confused He lead me right back to where I am today.

I am scared to just excist, not to thrive. I am scared to merely 'be' every day. I think it comes with growing older. Seeing things differently around me. Seeing life for what it really is. Really looking for the things that really matters. People matter! My parents, my nephew, my sister, some of the people I know that I can call friends. But how many can you call friends really? Every person lie. Some lie because they dont want to hurt themselves or others. Some lie to look better in other's eyes. Some lie to scheme and hurt...but my question is why do we have to lie soo much? I really dont care where you live, what you earn, and why you cant make it. Life is about more than that. Stop lying. Stop cheating. Stop being something youre not. 

Then there is my Mom. Maybe one of the toughest, most worrisome things in my life. She stopped laughing. She stopped seeing humour and being happy. She is angry most of the time. It feels like she dislikes us. I am not saying that she does not love us. I am saying that it seems like we do nothing right. Nothing is good enough. There is strive and silent-treatment. So much unhappiness and tears and negativity. I just want her to enjoy life. Laugh. Play. Relax. Be at peace. Not to measure our family against others. There will always be better families out there. Better children. Better circumstances. Why cant we just except each other? Love each other? Why do we always have to blame each other for making mistakes or choices. It is ok to just say sorry and to move on. Why threaten to leave or to keep quiet? Lets talk about it. Lets stop blaming each other. Let us just be a family that can be happy and at peace.

I am also scared because it feels like the pain in my body is getting worse. It makes me tired and sometimes just plain frustrated. I am scared when I have this constant pain that it is damaging my body more and more. That I will become disabled. That I cant work or go places. Not to be able to function like a normal person. I know my people have days and moments where they must think I am using this as an excuse. Or that I am looking for sympathy. I am not. I try every day. I really do. I focus on not telling them how much I hurt. I try not to complain. 

We keep on blaming and saying all these people changed so much. But I know they did not change - we did. Life is changing us into the type of people we never used to like. It is not right. It is unfair. Life is a gift and we are wasting it on stupid, nitty gritty crap. We fight and blame and push away. Why cant we just be. Be thankful. Be loving. Stop judging. Stop blaming. God gave us free will. We need to make a decision to change for the better every day. Tomorrow is not promised. I tell myself that every day. Now I need to put it in practise. 

How to get rid of...

As soon as I start thinking things are turning a bit towards the positive side, I get knocked back a few, or a lot. It is as if things and people around me just keep going and moving and I am used as a stepping stone. Life in general feels like I am breathing and I am 'here' but that is about that for me.

Why is it that other people are always ahead in this game? At work they do the bare minimum and always get the better options or the better duties. Why is it that I work my ass off and get nowhere? The worst of all is the attitude I get back. The look-at-me I win again. I am so very unhappy in my job. What would it be like to just get a Well Done once in a while? To be asked for an opinion? Not to be taken for granted?

But when the shit hits the fan I am the one that is the "senior" person. The one that takes the hit?

I am so very unhappy!

 

 

Kind regards,

 

Natasha van der Walt

Sales

Tel: +27 11 964 2302/3

Alt: +72 716 8538

Fax: 086 570 3713

e-mail: natasha.vdwalt@eggsperteggs.co.za

 

 

 

Kind regards,

 

Natasha van der Walt

Sales

Tel: +27 11 964 2302/3

Alt: +72 716 8538

Fax: 086 570 3713

e-mail: natasha.vdwalt@eggsperteggs.co.za

 

2017...

Welcome to a new year with new challenges, hopes and dreams. In God I believe that it will be another good one.

I did not end last year on a good note, I went to bed with my sister not talking to me. And again it was all my doing. Why? Because I am scared she gets used and hurt. I need to let it go. I really do. She said she is in control and that she knows how she feels...so if it is true then I must stop. It is not worth it to loose my sister over this. If she is happy I must accept what it is. I think I am selfish. I also think she derserve much better.

I truly hope she will talk to me when she wakes up this morning...but I don't think she will. Maybe I do deserve the cold and silent shoulder treatment.

A few things for me to do in this new year. I must smoke less (or maybe it is time to stop smoking). I want to build my relationships with the people I know (not that that started off well). I want to know God. Better and better. I need to try and loose weight. Sounds a lot like the same old same old new year resolutions. But I am going to try them....and I need to make them stick.

I truly love my family and friends deeply. They deserve to be happy. They deserve to be themselves. Not what I want them to be.

Please God...help me to be better? Please? Please help me to accept?

Respect...

My thought for the week reads as follow:

 

“We don’t always have to agree with one another, but it’s important that we learn to respect one another”

 

That made me think…

 

I think that is what is wrong in life in general.  People don’t care how they treat one another, what they say, how they say it and how they react.  I’m also part of the ‘people’, believe me.  No one is perfect, but we can try.  I’m not saying we are  not entitled to our own opinions about things, but why is it so difficult to think before we speak or react?  I believe there are ways and means to give your opinion without hurting people.  It is not your way or no way.  It is not take it or leave it.  It is not stuff the people I am the people.  Guess what?  We can have the best (or think that we do), but what we think are the ‘best’ for us, is not the best for the next person.  It is ok that they have their own ‘the best’, and that I have  my own ‘the best’.  Does that make sense?  For me it does.  It is all about that one little word – RESPECT! 

 

That is why there are so many broken people and relationships out there.  Just because the person next to you don’t like the colour of your car, or that I have the best shoes!  Come on man!  Can we please have some respect for one another?  Can we stop damaging other people’s ‘things’? Can we stop forcing people to like what we like, or else?  Can we all just try a little harder to take the person next to us in consideration?

 

I’m talking to myself as well today.  Today is the day that I will bite back that rude word, that negative thought, that bad opinion.  I will try to stop hurting with words, and I will rather try to find the right words, the right actions.  And if I really can’t find the right way to do it, I will rather keep quiet.

 

I will respect – even if I have to cringe inside….

 

 

 

 

Vir S...

Dis nou al 'n paar maande wat ons nie meer vriende is nie. Snaaks hoe mens die woorde en dinge wat gelei het tot die einde van ons vriendskap, oor en oor in my gedagtes bly. Dit sou beter gewees het as ek net die lelik kan onthou, maar ek doen nie.

Ek onthou meer die goed en dit wat ons gehad het as die sleg.

Vanoggend het ek na 'n preek op die radio geluister en dit het my weer laat dink aan jou. Dit het gegaan oor verhoudings en dat ons nie net altyd seerkry nie, maar ons maak ook seer. Ek dink ons vergeet dit soms. Dit is hoekom ek nou hier sit en blog, want ek kan dit nie vir jou direk vertel nie, nie omdat ek nie die moed het om jou te kontak nie, seker maar omdat ek te veel trots het of dat ek net plain hardegat is of dalk omdat ek bang is om dismiss te word - wie weet?

Ek moes daai dag gese het wat ek het, want dit het my woes gepla. Ek gaan nie nou als herhaal en weer probeer verduidelik hoekom ek dit gedoen het nie. Dis nie die doel nie en dis ook nie die hoekom nie.

Weet jy wat maak seer en wat maak dit so moeilik?

Dat ek weet wat ander mense jou aangedoen het. Hoe hulle jou gebreek het. Hoe hulle jou fisies en emosioneel seergemaak het. Hoe hulle jou laat voel het. Wat hulle was en ook wat hulle nou is. Of dit nou goed of sleg is. Hulle is nie ek nie, dit is duidelik. Wat ek eintlik wil se is dat jy hul elke keer kon vergewe, dat jy kon vergeet en hulle weer kon aanvaar. Hulle weer 'n kans gee. Dit is wat seermaak. Dat ek weet wat gebeur het met jou en julle en dat jy dit kon vergewe en vergeet, maar ek het nie daai kans gehad nie.

Ons kon altyd eerlik en oop met mekaar wees. Ons kon en het soveel gedeel met mekaar. Sjoe ons kon net saam wees en niks doen of praat nie en ons was content. Ons het mekaar verstaan. Ek het gedink ons vriendskap was die 'vir altyd' tipe. Die geen moeite of geen pretensie tipe.

Maar ek weet nou dit was seker nie...

Ek mis dit. Ek mis my vriendin. Ek mis die lag en die huil ook. Ek mis die baklei en stry. Ek mis jou...

Ek wil net ook se dat ek jammer is dat ek nie wou aanvaar nie. Ek wil jammer se dat ek gedink het ons vriendskap kon eerlik wees. Dat ons kon se hoe ons voel en wat pla...ek is jammer dat ons vriendskap nie sterk genoeg was nie.

Daar is soveel wat ek nog wil se en soveel wat ek graag met jou sou wil deel...maar nou ja.

Maybe it was not meant to be...maybe it will get easier...ek hoop jy is gelukkig en suksesvol. Ek hoop jy het die liefde en vrede wat jy verdien..ek bedoel dit - rerig...

Alone/lonely...?

They are not the same...being alone and being lonely.

Today I spent a lazy day in bed reading and the other part of the day with my nephew watching him playing Playstation, trying to master the art of rugby. I can tell you that he is much better playing the real game, on a field, with a team than on a tv screen. But the joy and excitement is stiĺl the same for him. For me on the otherhand...let us just say that I can at least laugh when he is safe on the floor with a remote in his hand.

Today was my first official fasting day and it went well. I did not break my fast. I stuck with it, even though I was tempted. So well done to me, I think.

Tonight I am lonely. Not alone, because I have my wonderful family...

I miss being part of a pair. Being able to snuggle in a warm bed with someone holding me. Falling asleep with someone I can love. You know? Just being someone's. Loved, held, cherised and all that fuzzy little feelings.

Sometimes I wish that someone like that is still out there somewhere for me.

I am lonely tonight...tonight I want to be held...until I fall asleep.

Seasons...

It is 14 May. Yes, it is not winter yet, because technically speaking, winter is only from June, if I am correct? But anyway...it is pouring with rain. Lovely buckets full, or cats and dogs. So that can only mean one thing. After this rain we are in for some very cold days and colder nights.

The season is changing.

My body really don't like this season, because my joints don't like cold weather. I understand the saying about "I feel it in my bones" so much better now. My pain is better, but it is still there every day. I think my mind and body is just coping better with pain. Not sure if this injections are making it better or if it is just mind over matter.

Anyway...

This season allows me to have an excuse to read more. I am hooked on reading again and it is soooo very lekkerrrr. My bookshelve is filling up nicely. And hunting for new reading material is great fun. Something I enjoy doing. Love doing actually.

It helps with the memories, hurt and anger I feel. It is all bottled up inside. I hate this what ifs and maybe if I's. I need to and want to get over it. Soon. I wish emotions and feelings worked with an on and off button. But we are not made that way.

I made a decision. I am starting a new season in my life today. first of all I am starting a 21 day fast (or vast, don't know the spelling). Hopefully after that I would be free of regrets and all the maybe's and what if's. I hope that I will be at ease and have peace with this. That I will have answers and to know what to do.

So here is to a new season. With or without. Only Jesus knows which one it will be. And I leave it in His great Fatherly hands....

Facebook...

I realised again now, how sad Facebook is. What happened to posting fun stuff and what is happening for real? Now all you see is adds about how to make money, how to look younger and death and 'share this post if you...'

I think that is why I post nothing anymore. Because it is plain depressing and stupid. It is like watching the seven o'clock news.






Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Playlist...

"I don't believe in if anymore..." by Roger Whitaker. That is the song stuck on my mind tonight.

I feel a bit sad. A bit worried. A bit nostalgic. A bit negative...and a lot of 'if'...

I have this playlist on my mind. Funny how music can make you wish and hope. Can make you think about all the things you would have done differently in your life if you could do it all over again. The way things could have been today. I know it is wrong to live with those thoughts. Because we must live in the present, the now.

I want to start living. To have purpose. To be excited about things and people. To have dreams and hope and laughter and joy. But it feels like some people and work and life is sucking all those good things out of me.

That brings me to another song on my playlist. "we were not made for an ordinary life, we were made to thrive" by Casting Crowns. I dont think I need to say much about that. The words say it all. I want to thrive. I really do. But how?

I would have loved to be a teacher. Primary school. To see those bright, young people grow. To see honest, open, carefree joy in them. To be excited for the simple things in life.

I want to change. I want to be happy and joyful. And free...it is not fair that life is stealing these things from me.

My playlist is long. I will write more about it later...maybe do a Top 10...

Irritated....

I can't sleep...it is irritating, because I must work tomorrow. First the mosquitos target me and then the heat. I get up to switch on the fan and then it won't work.

It decided to work, but now I am even more awake than half an hour ago.

Here I am blogging about nothing...

So I don't want to blog for hours not knowing what and how to describe how I feel. Maybe bullet points? Ja...

S phoned yesterday.

I am reading a very very good series and I am nearly finished. What can I read next?

I want a holiday...maybe all by myself. To get away and just be alone, because I have been feeling lonely.

I love my family. I really do.

I think about life a lot. How I would have done so many things differently.

I wish I could write.

I want to change. I realy do.

Urgh...I am so freaking irritated.

.......

Books and 'make-believe'...

I'm back to reading like a crazy person...and it feels so good. To loose yourself in a world of 'make believes' and great stories. Stories that drag you into their worlds. Stories that make you laugh out loud and stories that makes you cry.

When you feel the book in your hands and smell it. With each page you turn the story unfolds into something beautiful. A world created by some person that have this awesome talent to string a few thousand words together to make it a story that takes you away on a journey with the characters and this unique, make-believe world.

Every word, sentence, paragraph and page is magical, fairytale-worthy.

You can forget about your worries and fears for a while and just live in someone else's imagination for a bit.

Well I love books...a lot. Can you tell?

Like we used to...

Ive been thinking about you. Its been more than a month since we talked...but it feels longer than that. I sit here and I wonder if I made the right decision to tell you how I felt. Well I still don't know the answer to that. And maybe I will never know...

I hope you are safe and happy. I hope you are feeling better. I hope life is treating you well...

If you were here I would tell you about this awesome series Im reading. I wiĺl tell you that you can read it because you don't have to wait for the other books because all of them are available. You will tell me that you are not really into young adult books anymore, that you are too busy with work. So i will tell you the story anyway.

I will tell you about my family and about our little boy and how good he is at school and athletics and how he is excited about rugby starting again.

I will tell you how my Mom drives me nuts some days and how my Sister is like a superhero at times.

I will make us coffee, no wait...you will make us coffee and we will sit on the stoep and talk for hours...

Like we used to.

Jip...like we used to...

Books and great stories...

I missed reading...

Just finished book 2 of a trilogy, Sweet evil, Sweet peril and now i am looking forward to starting Sweet reckoning. One of the best trilogies i've read in a long time. It takes my mind to a happy place. Stupid that fantasy young adult books can have such a positive effect on someone. Stories that can make me hope more, believe more and dream more...

Like i said..i missed reading and spending an hour or so in a bookshop. I made a date with myself to go to a bookshop once a month and 'losing' myself in there. It feels good to be back. Hehehehe...i love the smell and feel of a book. I can't do the electronic thing. Its not the same, you know.

I sound like the Terminator..."I'll be back".... and i am...

Loss...

I hate funerals. I really do...

Today we said goodbye to Nadia. A young lady with so much heart. I never knew her as well as some of the people that attended her funeral, but i still loved her and had hope for her full recovery. But it was not part of God's greater plan. He wanted her to teach us a lesson or two. And she did.

There was so much love for her. So much pain today. My Dad trying to keep it together, but failing. My stepmother trying to be the strong woman, and Anouchka so heartbroken.

Nadia...you will be missed and loved - for ever...

Limbo....

Well...week one of the new year is nearly gone. Going back to work on Monday...back to normal. Sometimes it will be nice just to stay in vacation mode...dont you think?

My half sister passed away this week. She was this bubbly, positive person. A person that had this hope and fight for life. But Jesus had His own plan and she is gone now. Yes i believe she went to a better place. Even though it is hard on the people left behind. It makes me think and know that our life is short and all this negative things in life must stop. But how to stop it and how to make each moment count? How to fix things that are broken?

Sometimes we cant or wont or dont want to. I dont know...

Then an old friend lost her baby today. They tried to fall pregnant for so long and then she had a miscarriage...not nice. I believe she will be ok, because she is another fighter that i know.

I had this fall-out or fight or misunderstanding with my friend, just before Christmas. Its been two weeks now and everything that was said is still hanging...just hanging. I told her how i felt. Not to hurt her or to try and change her. I was honest and i really thought she would try to understand my intentions. Seems i was wrong. I thought we could be honest and open with each other. Then i got told that i decided our friendship was over after our 'discussion' but that is not true. I actually went there to save our relationship before it got to the point where it ended...

So i still dont know where we are at the moment. Its like being in limbo. Do we just forget seven years and move on? Do you just cut off that piece of your life and lock away the memories? Turn love into hate? Think about the what 'ifs'?

All i can say is that my intention was to fix not to destroy.

I had a great time with my family this holiday. We laughed and relaxed. I read two amazing books, they made me laugh and cry. We had fun and i want to thank Jesus for that. We needed this time...

So week one of the new year was bitter sweet, but i believe in my heart that all will be ok. I truly hope and pray it will....

A good cry...

Sometimes its a good thing to have a good hard cry in the shower, where its only you and your tears and frustrations and hurt. When you are done you have a terrible headache and you feel drained. Not that you feel any better. Not that your negative thoughts and feelings are gone or miraculousy gone.

Its been a hard year. Where you see people you love change and hurt. A year with hearing of death and retrencement and lying and cheating. Of fighting and hurting. Of trying to change your circumstances and worries of money and illness.

My blog must be the only place where i can truly say what i feel, because i dont want to sound like a nag and a pessimist. Where i can say that i am scared. Scared of my hands and body losing more function. Scared of losing my people. Scared of illness and losing hope.

I feel sad today. And i believe we may feel this way sometimes.

My friend is keeping stuff from me. Things that are messing with her head and heart. I know there is much more than what she is sharing and really saying. Its changing her. What to do? Wait...yes. maybe she will find it in her to talk to me and to talk to me. Really talk. About everything. Not only work, but the real stuff. The stuff that makes us human.

My job is boring. I feel incompetent and dumb. I feel useless.

I worry so much about my family. My Mom is angry most of the time and i dont know why. She cries and fight and lock herself away. All i want to do is hold her and tell her that everything will be ok.

My sister works hard. She is the strong one. The one that i can rely on every single day. She can be a bit hard sometimes and that scares me. I love her so very much. She is my rock.

Then we have this little eight year old boy that is like glue.. he keeps us together. He makes us laugh and happy. Yes he also makes us worry. But i love him so very much.

But...

I am thankful. I am grateful. I have hope. My Lord is an awesome God. He will provide. He will bless us until all eternity. I have my family and friends. I have a job. I have hope. I said that already?

Im sorry i am such a mess today...time to get over this. Really....