Playlist...

"I don't believe in if anymore..." by Roger Whitaker. That is the song stuck on my mind tonight.

I feel a bit sad. A bit worried. A bit nostalgic. A bit negative...and a lot of 'if'...

I have this playlist on my mind. Funny how music can make you wish and hope. Can make you think about all the things you would have done differently in your life if you could do it all over again. The way things could have been today. I know it is wrong to live with those thoughts. Because we must live in the present, the now.

I want to start living. To have purpose. To be excited about things and people. To have dreams and hope and laughter and joy. But it feels like some people and work and life is sucking all those good things out of me.

That brings me to another song on my playlist. "we were not made for an ordinary life, we were made to thrive" by Casting Crowns. I dont think I need to say much about that. The words say it all. I want to thrive. I really do. But how?

I would have loved to be a teacher. Primary school. To see those bright, young people grow. To see honest, open, carefree joy in them. To be excited for the simple things in life.

I want to change. I want to be happy and joyful. And free...it is not fair that life is stealing these things from me.

My playlist is long. I will write more about it later...maybe do a Top 10...

Irritated....

I can't sleep...it is irritating, because I must work tomorrow. First the mosquitos target me and then the heat. I get up to switch on the fan and then it won't work.

It decided to work, but now I am even more awake than half an hour ago.

Here I am blogging about nothing...

So I don't want to blog for hours not knowing what and how to describe how I feel. Maybe bullet points? Ja...

S phoned yesterday.

I am reading a very very good series and I am nearly finished. What can I read next?

I want a holiday...maybe all by myself. To get away and just be alone, because I have been feeling lonely.

I love my family. I really do.

I think about life a lot. How I would have done so many things differently.

I wish I could write.

I want to change. I realy do.

Urgh...I am so freaking irritated.

.......

Books and 'make-believe'...

I'm back to reading like a crazy person...and it feels so good. To loose yourself in a world of 'make believes' and great stories. Stories that drag you into their worlds. Stories that make you laugh out loud and stories that makes you cry.

When you feel the book in your hands and smell it. With each page you turn the story unfolds into something beautiful. A world created by some person that have this awesome talent to string a few thousand words together to make it a story that takes you away on a journey with the characters and this unique, make-believe world.

Every word, sentence, paragraph and page is magical, fairytale-worthy.

You can forget about your worries and fears for a while and just live in someone else's imagination for a bit.

Well I love books...a lot. Can you tell?

Like we used to...

Ive been thinking about you. Its been more than a month since we talked...but it feels longer than that. I sit here and I wonder if I made the right decision to tell you how I felt. Well I still don't know the answer to that. And maybe I will never know...

I hope you are safe and happy. I hope you are feeling better. I hope life is treating you well...

If you were here I would tell you about this awesome series Im reading. I wiĺl tell you that you can read it because you don't have to wait for the other books because all of them are available. You will tell me that you are not really into young adult books anymore, that you are too busy with work. So i will tell you the story anyway.

I will tell you about my family and about our little boy and how good he is at school and athletics and how he is excited about rugby starting again.

I will tell you how my Mom drives me nuts some days and how my Sister is like a superhero at times.

I will make us coffee, no wait...you will make us coffee and we will sit on the stoep and talk for hours...

Like we used to.

Jip...like we used to...

Books and great stories...

I missed reading...

Just finished book 2 of a trilogy, Sweet evil, Sweet peril and now i am looking forward to starting Sweet reckoning. One of the best trilogies i've read in a long time. It takes my mind to a happy place. Stupid that fantasy young adult books can have such a positive effect on someone. Stories that can make me hope more, believe more and dream more...

Like i said..i missed reading and spending an hour or so in a bookshop. I made a date with myself to go to a bookshop once a month and 'losing' myself in there. It feels good to be back. Hehehehe...i love the smell and feel of a book. I can't do the electronic thing. Its not the same, you know.

I sound like the Terminator..."I'll be back".... and i am...

Loss...

I hate funerals. I really do...

Today we said goodbye to Nadia. A young lady with so much heart. I never knew her as well as some of the people that attended her funeral, but i still loved her and had hope for her full recovery. But it was not part of God's greater plan. He wanted her to teach us a lesson or two. And she did.

There was so much love for her. So much pain today. My Dad trying to keep it together, but failing. My stepmother trying to be the strong woman, and Anouchka so heartbroken.

Nadia...you will be missed and loved - for ever...

Limbo....

Well...week one of the new year is nearly gone. Going back to work on Monday...back to normal. Sometimes it will be nice just to stay in vacation mode...dont you think?

My half sister passed away this week. She was this bubbly, positive person. A person that had this hope and fight for life. But Jesus had His own plan and she is gone now. Yes i believe she went to a better place. Even though it is hard on the people left behind. It makes me think and know that our life is short and all this negative things in life must stop. But how to stop it and how to make each moment count? How to fix things that are broken?

Sometimes we cant or wont or dont want to. I dont know...

Then an old friend lost her baby today. They tried to fall pregnant for so long and then she had a miscarriage...not nice. I believe she will be ok, because she is another fighter that i know.

I had this fall-out or fight or misunderstanding with my friend, just before Christmas. Its been two weeks now and everything that was said is still hanging...just hanging. I told her how i felt. Not to hurt her or to try and change her. I was honest and i really thought she would try to understand my intentions. Seems i was wrong. I thought we could be honest and open with each other. Then i got told that i decided our friendship was over after our 'discussion' but that is not true. I actually went there to save our relationship before it got to the point where it ended...

So i still dont know where we are at the moment. Its like being in limbo. Do we just forget seven years and move on? Do you just cut off that piece of your life and lock away the memories? Turn love into hate? Think about the what 'ifs'?

All i can say is that my intention was to fix not to destroy.

I had a great time with my family this holiday. We laughed and relaxed. I read two amazing books, they made me laugh and cry. We had fun and i want to thank Jesus for that. We needed this time...

So week one of the new year was bitter sweet, but i believe in my heart that all will be ok. I truly hope and pray it will....