Alone/lonely...?

They are not the same...being alone and being lonely.

Today I spent a lazy day in bed reading and the other part of the day with my nephew watching him playing Playstation, trying to master the art of rugby. I can tell you that he is much better playing the real game, on a field, with a team than on a tv screen. But the joy and excitement is stiĺl the same for him. For me on the otherhand...let us just say that I can at least laugh when he is safe on the floor with a remote in his hand.

Today was my first official fasting day and it went well. I did not break my fast. I stuck with it, even though I was tempted. So well done to me, I think.

Tonight I am lonely. Not alone, because I have my wonderful family...

I miss being part of a pair. Being able to snuggle in a warm bed with someone holding me. Falling asleep with someone I can love. You know? Just being someone's. Loved, held, cherised and all that fuzzy little feelings.

Sometimes I wish that someone like that is still out there somewhere for me.

I am lonely tonight...tonight I want to be held...until I fall asleep.

Seasons...

It is 14 May. Yes, it is not winter yet, because technically speaking, winter is only from June, if I am correct? But anyway...it is pouring with rain. Lovely buckets full, or cats and dogs. So that can only mean one thing. After this rain we are in for some very cold days and colder nights.

The season is changing.

My body really don't like this season, because my joints don't like cold weather. I understand the saying about "I feel it in my bones" so much better now. My pain is better, but it is still there every day. I think my mind and body is just coping better with pain. Not sure if this injections are making it better or if it is just mind over matter.

Anyway...

This season allows me to have an excuse to read more. I am hooked on reading again and it is soooo very lekkerrrr. My bookshelve is filling up nicely. And hunting for new reading material is great fun. Something I enjoy doing. Love doing actually.

It helps with the memories, hurt and anger I feel. It is all bottled up inside. I hate this what ifs and maybe if I's. I need to and want to get over it. Soon. I wish emotions and feelings worked with an on and off button. But we are not made that way.

I made a decision. I am starting a new season in my life today. first of all I am starting a 21 day fast (or vast, don't know the spelling). Hopefully after that I would be free of regrets and all the maybe's and what if's. I hope that I will be at ease and have peace with this. That I will have answers and to know what to do.

So here is to a new season. With or without. Only Jesus knows which one it will be. And I leave it in His great Fatherly hands....