Playlist...

"I don't believe in if anymore..." by Roger Whitaker. That is the song stuck on my mind tonight.

I feel a bit sad. A bit worried. A bit nostalgic. A bit negative...and a lot of 'if'...

I have this playlist on my mind. Funny how music can make you wish and hope. Can make you think about all the things you would have done differently in your life if you could do it all over again. The way things could have been today. I know it is wrong to live with those thoughts. Because we must live in the present, the now.

I want to start living. To have purpose. To be excited about things and people. To have dreams and hope and laughter and joy. But it feels like some people and work and life is sucking all those good things out of me.

That brings me to another song on my playlist. "we were not made for an ordinary life, we were made to thrive" by Casting Crowns. I dont think I need to say much about that. The words say it all. I want to thrive. I really do. But how?

I would have loved to be a teacher. Primary school. To see those bright, young people grow. To see honest, open, carefree joy in them. To be excited for the simple things in life.

I want to change. I want to be happy and joyful. And free...it is not fair that life is stealing these things from me.

My playlist is long. I will write more about it later...maybe do a Top 10...

Irritated....

I can't sleep...it is irritating, because I must work tomorrow. First the mosquitos target me and then the heat. I get up to switch on the fan and then it won't work.

It decided to work, but now I am even more awake than half an hour ago.

Here I am blogging about nothing...

So I don't want to blog for hours not knowing what and how to describe how I feel. Maybe bullet points? Ja...

S phoned yesterday.

I am reading a very very good series and I am nearly finished. What can I read next?

I want a holiday...maybe all by myself. To get away and just be alone, because I have been feeling lonely.

I love my family. I really do.

I think about life a lot. How I would have done so many things differently.

I wish I could write.

I want to change. I realy do.

Urgh...I am so freaking irritated.

.......